


Since I've been loving you

by vianbarnes



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, two idiots in love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:41:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23516350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vianbarnes/pseuds/vianbarnes
Summary: Buck and Eddie have been best friends for almost two years.Ever since the tsunami, Buck's been feeling different, like something changed in him. He doesn't really know why, he only knows that he needs Eddie and Christopher in his life so he tries to keep them around as much as possible.One day Eddie texts him, saying that they need to talk. Buck feels anxious, especially after the lawsuit, and he's worried that he might have done something wrong. Again.To Buck's surprise, the next day Eddie tells him he met someone, Chris' English teacher, and that she gave him her number.After Eddie leaves his place, Buck feels all kinds of emotions, but doesn't know how to interpret them. He just has a feeling in his stomach that won't go away.He's a bit drunk, but not too drunk to understand what's happening to him.One of this biggest fears is losing the people he loves and, in that moment, he feels like he just lost Eddie.And he loves Eddie, very much.
Relationships: Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley / Eddie Diaz, Evan “Buck” Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 113
Kudos: 471





	1. Communication Breakdown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyy everyone!  
> a few things before you start reading:  
> first of all i apologize for my english - it's not my first language and it's my first time writing an actual fic. forgive me for my poor grammar and lack of vocabulary :))  
> as you proably have guessed, the fic takes place in s3 after episode 12. everything is pretty much as we know it on the show until this episode.  
> i have a few ideas for the next chapters, so i might post chapter two very soon.  
> ok enjoy! <3

Buck and Eddie have been friends for almost two years, even since the night they both risked their lives inside an ambulance and quickly realized how much a traumatic event can get two people closer. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the only danger they had to face together in the past two years. It comes with the job, it goes without saying, but it definitely seems like the world’s been trying to test them or something.

The tsunami really took a toll on Buck, not just physically, but also mentally - Christopher isn’t the only one having nightmares about it. But having him and Eddie constantly around helped a lot. He’s been trying to move on for a while, he even tried therapy once but it didn’t quite work out. Hanging out with Eddie and Chris is definitely his kind of therapy. They’ve been doing that a lot more recently, especially after the tsunami. Buck started keeping Chris’ stuff at his place, some of his stuffed animals and his favorite movies on DVD; he even got a Disney+ subscription to make sure Chris doesn’t get bored. He also keeps Eddie’s favorite beer in the fridge in case he feels like coming over just to chat over drinks. They’ve been doing that a lot too.

For Buck, the tsunami was like a wake up call. One of his biggest “flaws” is that he gets attached to people easily and usually faster than them, so when he met Eddie – and Chris – he tried not to rush things. He didn’t want to end up caring too much about them and then being disappointed, not again. But then the tsunami hit, and everything changed. He realized that he did care about them, a lot. They were way more important than he thought; they were family and he needed to be around them as much as possible.

Then the lawsuit. He didn’t know what he was thinking. The thought of losing his job and not being able to do what he felt he was born to do blurred his mind, clouded his judgment. Eddie was right when he told him that he didn’t think of what that could to do _them_. The 118 of course, or least he thinks so. To this day, Buck still wonders what he really meant.

After that, Buck’s been trying to do whatever he can to make up for the pain he caused, not only to Bobby but to the team as well - and Eddie and Chris, of course.

Eddie doesn’t like to admit it, but the lawsuit affected him in ways he couldn’t even imagine. Still trying to figure out how to act after Shannon’s death, the anger inside of him was bound to come out one way or the other. Buck’s absence was starting to weight on him and fighting was the only thing that made sense in that moment, even if it was wrong. But he had to hit rock bottom before he realized that.

Buck still feels guilty whenever he thinks about it, as if it was all his fault - classic Buck. It makes him feel something weird in his stomach. It’s different and he doesn’t really know what it is and why it happens; it scares him a bit.

/

On a Thursday night, Buck’s invited to play poker at Chimney’s house with Maddie and her coworker Josh. He doesn’t really know him but, for what he can tell and from what Maddie told him herself, he’s a pretty great guy. He’s a good friend to his sister and that’s enough for Buck to like him.

The night goes by as they play, drink and have fun. He loves hanging out with Chris but he definitely missed having an “all adult” night and doing “adult” stuff.

“Thank you guys for having me over” says Josh when Maddie gets up to get refills for their drinks. “And it was very nice to play with you, Buck. Even if you suck at poker.” They all laugh and Buck covers his face with his hand, feeling a little bit embarrassed.

“I’m sorry baby brother, but he’s right. That’s why we always invite our couple friends for poker night. It’s all about chemistry!” adds Maddie with a smirk on her face.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re trying to set us up” says Josh while pointing at him and Buck. Buck laughs along with the others, he really doesn’t mind that joke. However being single isn’t very funny to him, not anymore. It stopped being funny a long ago, when he started to feel really lonely, especially at night. Buck is a very affectionate person and not having a person to hug, kiss or simply touch weights on him every day more.

Ever since Ali broke up with him, dating has never even crossed his mind. He wouldn’t even know where to start looking. Buck 1.0 would have screwed a different girl every night and it would’ve been completely fine, but Buck 2.0 could never do that. And maybe that’s why he didn’t seem to find the right match for him. He knew he wasn’t putting himself out there as much as he should have; not at all, actually. It never seemed like the right moment, he often thought to himself.

Suddenly, his phone starts buzzing in his pocket, so he excuses himself from the table to take it out and see who was texting him. He got a few texts so he figured it must have been important or urgent.

 **Eddie (7:48PM):** _Hey :)_ _I just got back from Chris’ school meeting. Everything is ok, thank God_

 **Eddie (7:49PM):** _But I wanted to talk to you about something_

 **Eddie (7:49PM):** _Are you free tonight? Maybe I can tell you over some beers_

Buck is relieved to know that Christopher isn’t in any kind of trouble at school and he’s doing well instead; he loves that kid very much and he constantly worries about him as if he were his own son. Something about Eddie’s texts doesn’t sit right with him though. He needs to tell him something but if it isn’t about Chris, what is it about? Buck feels that thing in his stomach again, he’s anxious and he doesn’t know why.

 **Buck (7:53PM):** _sorry, man. i’m at chim’s tonight. poker night :)) adult’s stuff i wouldn’t expect you to understand. you and chris can come over tomorrow and we can drink all the beers you want at my place after our shifts, alright?_

 **Buck (7:54PM):** _gotta go now. there’s still some money that needs to be won tonight and i’m not walking out emptyhanded. again. see you tomorrow :)_

“Everything okay Evan?” says Maddie from the table. Buck quickly nods and gets back to the others, avoiding her question. He had no reason to be nervous anyway.

/

The next day everything seems fine between the two of them. Eddie is acting like he would any other day so Buck should have no reason to think something bad has happened the night before. That doesn’t stop him from convincing himself that it has, though.

“Are we still on for tonight?” asks Eddie as they’re driving back to the station. He’d noticed Buck was a bit distracted that day but he didn’t think much of it. He thought he was probably just tired.

“Yeah, sure man” Buck answers, not giving too much away.

Eddie never told him once that “they needed to talk about something” and for some reason, Buck could feel like something big was coming. And it made him anxious.

/

It was almost 11PM when Eddie knocked on the door, quite a bit later than usual. When Buck opened the door he froze for a second because, to his surprise, Eddie was standing there with a six-pack of beers in his hand, alone.

“Where’s Chris?” blurts out Buck as soon as he meets Eddie’s eyes. He’d taken for granted that Christopher was coming along too, and that was the thing that comforted him all day. He thought that with Christopher there, Eddie couldn’t get angry at him or even yell at him, for whatever reason he thought he was going to.

“Abuela can’t take him next week so she asked for an extra day this weekend. And who am I to say no to her” answers Eddie, laughing and putting the beers on the kitchen counter.

“You didn’t have to, man. You know I keep some extra beers in my fridge”.

Eddie shrugs his shoulders and takes off his jacket, putting it on a stool next to him.

“So, wanna tell me how Chris is doing at school?” asks Buck, genuinely curious but also slightly glad that they have other stuff to cover before getting into whatever “the talk” is.

Eddie seemed more than happy to talk about his son; he knows that Buck really cares about him and that he wants to know every little detail there is to know. However, that day Buck looked even more curious than normal; it felt like he was trying to drag the conversation for as much he could. Which he totally was. Buck dreaded whatever Eddie was about to tell him so much that he spent five minutes talking about the fact that both schools and hospitals have their walls painted with soothing colors because they exude a sense of peace and tranquility; he read that somewhere online a while ago, he wasn’t really sure why he felt like that was the right time to bring it up.

The room falls silent. It’s weird even for Buck, but he literally ran out of things to say.

“Listen” says Eddie, as Buck’s heart starts beating faster. “I- I met someone yesterday. It’s Chris’ English teacher, her name’s Ana. She gave me her number and…” Eddie stops, waiting to see Buck’s reaction.

Buck’s eyes are wide open, he definitely wasn’t expecting that. He suddenly feels tense in his shoulders and his back, he doesn’t really know why.

“Is she hot?” is the first thing that comes out of his mouth, followed by a short nervous laugh. He realizes very quickly that it was inconsiderate and, honestly, quite rude of him to say that, but he did it almost inadvertently and he can’t take it back now.

Silence again. Buck doesn’t know how to interpret that, he just feels embarrassed for what he just said. Eddie is still looking at him, waiting for Buck’s actual opinion.

“Am I doing the right thing?” Eddie asks suddenly.

Buck feels his heart break inside his chest. All this time he was worried about himself and how he felt, he didn’t think about what this could mean to his best friend. He could sense Eddie’s uncertainty in his eyes, all his insecurities. Shannon had died just over a year ago and Eddie never even thought about dating someone else after her. Chris and his job were enough for him, he said. But Eddie felt lonely too, Buck knew that. He was touch-starved just as much as Buck was. He could feel it every time they would hug and Eddie just held him a little bit longer than usual, leaning onto him like he was trying to absorb his affection and store it for days when not even Chris was enough.

Buck knew dating was the best thing for Eddie in that moment. Losing Shannon was very hard on him, but he couldn’t keep punishing himself for something that wasn’t his fault. He needed to get himself out there and at least try to find someone new. He wanted to tell him all of these things, to reassure him, but for some reason he was finding it extremely hard. It was like the words were trapped inside him and couldn’t find their way out.

Eddie was still there, waiting. He needed Buck to tell him it was okay; he trusted him with his life, literally, so his opinion really mattered to him.

“Of course you are, man! What are you waiting for? Call her! Take her out the next time you have a day off” finally manages to answer Buck, ignoring the fact that his shoulder got even more tense as soon as he said those words.

Eddie smiles, relieved. He really thinks the world of Buck, so him saying that was just the final push he needed.

“Tell me about Ana” Buck’s voice cracks as he asks Eddie, but he quickly masks it with a cough and tells him to go on. The last time his voice cracked was when he was going through puberty. Or when he was screaming to look for Christopher during the tsunami. Either way, it was very unusual and he didn’t understand why it just happened again.

The two spend the rest of the night chatting over beers. The TV is on but they’re not paying attention.

/

“Oh man, I should really go” says Eddie, putting his hand over his mouth as he yawns. It was almost 1AM, so maybe it was time for Buck to let Eddie go home.

“Thanks again, Buck. For tonight I mean. I was really nervous” adds Eddie, this time standing basically on the doorway. “And thank you for beers” says Buck, putting his hand on Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie seems excited, more confident, and Buck can’t help but feel genuinely happy for him. He’s still his best friend after all.

They hug goodbye, but this time Eddie lets go almost immediately.

There it is: that thing is Buck’s stomach is there again, stronger than ever. What was that? Did he drink too much beer? He was a bit tipsy, he could fool Eddie but he couldn’t fool himself.

/

Buck closes the door behind him, leans against it for a second and sighs. He was feeling a million things in that moment.

Suddenly something catches his eye: it was Eddie’s jacket, still laying on a stool in the kitchen. He quickly grabs it and opens the door, hoping to find Eddie still there, waiting for the elevator. But he was already gone; he probably took the stairs this time.

So Buck is left there, with Eddie’s jacket in his hand. He gets back inside and, almost instinctively, he brings it to his nose and smells it; he could still feel his scent.

 **Buck (1:24AM):** _hey man you forgot your jacket at my place. should i bring it tomorrow at work?_

He starts typing, but something stops him before he can press send. His mind was already made up before he even took his phone to text Eddie; he’d already decided he was going to hold on to that jacket for a little longer.

Maybe he was starting to understand what was that feeling in his stomach: the same he felt when Eddie texted him the night before; the same he felt that time he ran into the 118 at the supermarket and Eddie started yelling at him in front of everyone because of the lawsuit; the same he felt when he couldn’t find Chris during the tsunami and didn’t know how to tell Eddie. It was fear, fear of losing the people he loves. Losing Eddie. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much if you made it through the first chapter.  
> every suggestion or note is very much appreciated so feel free to comment below.  
> thanks again and see you soon (hopefully) <3


	2. Dazed and confused

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys!  
> here i am back with another update. i hope everyone enjoyed chapter one :)  
> unfortunately something came up and i won't be able to post chapter three until next week so for now here's chapter two.  
> <3
> 
> (i hope some led zeppelin fans are catching the references in the chapter titles lol)

Weeks have gone by since the first time Eddie and Buck spoke about Ana. Just like Buck suggested, the day after they talked Eddie took his phone, dialed the number she’d left him on a piece of paper at the school meeting and called her. For what he could tell, she was very happy to hear from him so soon.

And so they started dating.

Things were going pretty well: they’d go out to dinner, to the movies, one time she even took him to her favorite spot at beach and they had dinner under the stars. It was all very romantic, but Eddie always made sure not to overstep or rush things. It was his first time dating someone after Shannon’s death after all, so he wanted to take things slow and do it properly.

At the beginning he thought that since Ana is Chris’ teacher, it would have been a lot easier to tell him about them dating; he tried multiple times over the weeks to bring up the conversation with him but it never seemed like the right time. Christopher was still having nightmares about the tsunami and the “drowning woman” sometimes, it wouldn’t have been fair to him to drag him into whatever this relationship with Ana was. Not just yet. He didn’t even know if he was allowed to date his son’s teacher, so he decided to wait a little longer. They were having fun, enjoying each other’s company, so why rush?

/

**Eddie (7:01PM):** _Hey man. Sorry if this is last minute but can you watch Chris tonight? I wanted to take Ana to that nice Italian restaurant you and I tried last month and Pepa just told me she’s busy. I really don’t wanna ask Carla again_

 **Eddie (7:03PM):** _Is it a problem? I’ll pick him up as soon as we’re done. Pleeeeaaaseeee.._

Buck’s phone buzzes in his hand, waking him up; he fell asleep on the couch while watching some cooking show on TV and it takes him a minute to realize where he is and what time it is. He sees Eddie’s name popping up on the screen and smiles, but his smile quickly dies as he reads the texts.

 **Buck (7:08PM):** _no worries man. i don’t mind watching him you know that. haven’t in a while so it’ll be nice. take your time and we’ll be here waiting for you. xx_

He didn’t lie, he really doesn’t mind watching Christopher for the night. However, the thing that annoys him is that lately the only conversations he’s had with Eddie are about Ana; the only texts he gets from him are like the ones he just received.

But Buck gets it: when you first start dating someone, they’re all you think about, all you want to talk about. He remembers this feeling from when he started seeing Ali; all the nights he spent talking to her about anything over some coffees, just to get to know her, asking her random questions about her life and her past. It’s exciting, he completely understands. Yet, he doesn’t understand why Eddie felt the need to shut him out of his life to do so.

/

“Where is daddy tonight?” suddenly asks Chris while they’re finishing up their pizza at the kitchen table.

Buck’s taken aback and coughs a little, he doesn’t really know how to answer that question. Eddie told him several times that he isn’t ready to tell his son about him and Ana, but neither of them thought Chris would notice something was up and that he’d ask Buck out of all people.

Keeping this relationship from Chris was the most reasonable thing to do at the moment; Eddie needed to be sure himself before bringing her into his life. So Buck figures that a small white lie can’t hurt Chris for now; it’ll put his mind at ease at least for the night.

“Eddie is probably getting some rest right now. I was the one who told him that I missed my Christopher and that I wanted to spend a super cool and amazing night with him. We have fun even without your dad, don’t we?”

They both laugh, even more when Buck almost jumps over Chris and starts tickling him. He takes him into his arms and Chris hugs him tight - he always feels safe when “his Buck” holds him - and they move to the couch, where the TV is already on and the Disney+ homepage’s waiting for them to pick the movie for the night.

“So, what are you in the mood for? The Lion King? Star Wars maybe?” Buck is scrolling thought the feed, his eyes are locked on the TV screen, focused on his task to choose the perfect movie so that Chris doesn’t get bored or asks any other uncomfortable questions. “Oh, I know! Superheroes!”

“Yes!” Chris starts waving his arms in excitement. “I wanna watch your movie, Buck”

“My movie?” replies Buck, with an undetectable smile on his face.

“Captain America! You’re a hero just like him! You look like him too” says the kid, pointing at a picture of Steve Rogers on the screen. Buck blushes and he stops for a second to look at Chris, eyes full of love and appreciation. What did he ever do to deserve such a special person in his life?

“If I’m Captain America, then who are you? Iron Man, my best friend!”

“No” adds Chris, chuckling a bit at Buck’s lack of knowledge of superheroes “Captain America’s best friend is Bucky, and that’s daddy”

Buck smiles, but this time it’s a sad smile. He really wished Eddie were there with them that night.

He shakes it off before Chris can notice something’s wrong and presses play with the remote control “Okay kid, Captain America it is!”

Two hours later, Chris is dead asleep on Buck’s lap when Eddie knocks at the door to take him home. Buck doesn’t want to move, risking to wake him up, so he quickly texts Eddie to use his spare key of the apartment to get in – he regrets it for a second, he shouldn’t have assumed Eddie had the key on him at all times.

He sighs when he hears the sound of a key unlocking his front door.

“Hey” whispers Eddie, walking lightly and careful not to make any noise. “Everything alright? Give him to me”.

Buck doesn’t say anything, he just helps him take Chris into his arms and then gets up to follow them to the front door. He knows he told Eddie that he didn’t mind being with Christopher that night, but something else is definitely bothering him.

Nevertheless, he feels the urge to ask Eddie if he wanted to talk about his night with Ana. He missed having him over, even just to talk about their day after work now and then.

“I gotta g-”.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’ll see you tomorrow. Now go” interrupts Buck, still whispering.

“I’m sorry” mouths Eddie, as he waves his free hand at him and walks to the elevator.

Once again, Buck is left at his doorstep, watching Eddie walk away from him.

/

For a couple of weeks now, every night Buck has more trouble falling asleep than the night before. His mind is crowded with a million thoughts, but all of them seem to lead to one specific thing, or better, one specific person: Eddie.

That feeling in his stomach never went away; actually, it’s getting stronger. The more time passes, the more he feels Eddie getting more distant from him. And it hurts him.

He doesn’t understand why it’s affecting him so much. Yes, he really enjoyed spending time with Eddie – and Chris – but isn’t his friend doing exactly what he’s supposed to do? Move on and start something new with someone who isn’t Shannon? He can’t blame Eddie for that, he has no reason to.

Despite that, he knows that he can’t keep going like this; losing sleep is dangerous when your job is to save people’s lives. He needs to do something effective, and he definitely knows that sleeping pills or chamomiles aren’t the answer. He needs to fix it, but how? He can’t tell Eddie what he’s feeling because he doesn’t even know himself. Feeling left out isn’t a valid reason to complain to your best friend anyway.

So Buck decides to do the unexpected.

Eddie clearly is having the time of his life with Ana; soon he’ll tell Christopher about her, and his son – as always – will act like the ray of sunshine that he is and welcome her in his life with open arms. Buck can see the whole picture in his head already: a happy family, where there’s no room for the annoying best friend who forgot that he has a life of his own and who’s still embarrassingly single after all this time.

It was time to take a step back and let them live their life.

And so he does. He stops texting as much as he used to, he stops asking both Eddie and Chris to hang out at his place – the answer was always going to be no anyway – and he even stops joking around with Eddie at work.

Surprisingly, Eddie doesn’t seem to notice.

/

Despite Buck’s efforts to mask his sadness, everyone at work – except Eddie – picks up on it pretty soon. And it wasn’t just the fact that Buck wasn’t being the incarnation of a golden retriever like he usually is, he was starting to lose weight as well. Before meeting Eddie, his physique was the only thing he cared about and now he was walking around with less life in his body than a zombie.

Out of everyone, Maddie was the one who was worrying the most. Her and Chimney spoke about it a couple of times but no one at the station seemed to know what was going on with him either. Eddie didn’t look any different - he was better than ever actually - so everyone ruled out that something between the two had happened, also because when asked about it, he was just as confused as the others.

“Maybe he had a fight with Bobby over something that happened on a call?” says one day Maddie while her and Chim are having dinner at his place. “I really can’t imagine why he would be so upset”.

“Not that I know of, no” replies Chim, sighing. “He isn’t dating anyone, is he? Maybe he got his heart broken”.

“You know my brother and how excited he gets for this kind of things. He would have told us right away if he was seeing someone”. Maddie puts her head in-between her hands and shakes it, defeated. Chim stays silent, knowing that she’s right, and takes her hand to comfort her. He hates seeing her down.

“You need to talk to him. He hasn’t said anything to Eddie, but you’re his big sister. He’ll tell you. Now stop worrying, please. Everything will be just fine”. They both nod at each other, agreeing, and keep eating their meal quietly.

Maddie wasn’t going to let this go easily.

/

When Buck opens his locker to get a clean shirt, he finds four missing calls and three texts from Maddie – he forgot to tell her that he took an extra shift that day.

**Maddie (4:13PM):** _Hey baby brother, what are you doing tonight?_

**Maddie (4:16PM):** _We haven’t seen each other in a while, wanna come over for dinner and catch up a bit?_

**Maddie (5:07PM):** _Did I do something wrong? Call me back when you can. I’m worried about you Evan…_

Buck sighs, he figured someone would have noticed his sudden change of mood sooner or later, but he wasn’t sure he was ready to face his sister that night.

Maddie is definitely the one person on Earth that knows him better that he knows himself; he’s like an open book to her. Buck wears his heart on his sleeve, it’s not hard to understand what he’s feeling most of the times. But only his sister can recognize the little details that people usually don’t notice - not even Eddie: the way Buck puts his hands in his pockets and raises his shoulders to make himself smaller when he’s nervous; the way his voice raises a little when he’s worried or scared, but gets lower when he’s trying to be serious.

She was onto him, and keeping things from her was becoming more difficult - especially lately.

**Buck (6:39PM):** _gonna have to take a rain check on this one big sis. extra shift today_

He knew that simple text wasn’t going to be enough to make her think everything was alright; Maddie can be restless when she really puts her mind to something.

/

That same night, Buck has absolutely no desire to see or talk to anyone else other than the pizza delivery guy.

After dinner, he jumps on the couch, not really sure what to watch on Netflix – he quickly figured that his Disney+ subscription was useful only when Chris was around, but he was willing to pay for it every month anyway, even if Chris wasn’t coming over as much as before.

Suddenly, something catches his eye and he takes a few seconds to think, before getting up and reaching for his “special bottle of vodka” he kept in his “special cabinet”. After the surgery and the incident at Bobby and Athena’s house, Buck had treated himself only to a couple of beers a few nights a week and basically avoided any type of stronger alcohol due to the medications he had to take – Maddie was making sure of that.

However, tonight he’s feeling like shit and he knows he needs to numb all those bad feelings he’s having with something quick and effective. Vodka has always been his secret weapon for this kind of things.

And so he starts drinking, more and more, until the room starts to spin and he can’t feel his hands anymore. He’s never had this kind of reaction to alcohol before – he doesn’t know if it’s because he hasn’t drunk in a while or if it’s some sort of side effect of his medications; either way, he starts panicking and his heart beats way faster than usual in his chest. It feels like it’s about to explode inside him and he doesn’t know what to do.

Somehow, he manages to grab his phone from the couch and does the one thing he should have done a long time ago.

“H-hello? Maddie? Can you come over? I really need you right now” he blurts out, not even sure if he pressed the right buttons and actually called his sister. Before he can find out, he drops his phone, coughing, and helplessly falls on the floor. He stars crying, his eyes close.

/

“Evan? Evan are you okay?” Maddie is there, shaking her brother by the shoulders and making sure he hasn’t hit his head or anything else when he fell. “God, Evan. What did you do?”

“Maddie? Is that you?” whispers lightly Buck, raising his hand to touch his sister’s face.

“Yes, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

They stay on the floor for a minute, Buck isn’t ready to get up just yet and Maddie surely can’t lift him up on her own, so she decides to wait until he regains consciousness.

After a while, Buck opens his eyes again. “Maddie I’m so sorry. I truly am. You didn’t have to come all this way because of me” he mutters, clearly embarrassed.

“Are you kidding me? Evan, look at yourself. Something happened to you and if you want to keep fooling yourself, that’s fine, but I’m not leaving until you tell me why you felt the need to drink an entire bottle of vodka when you’re on medications” she argues, tears of concern in her eyes.

He doesn’t answer and tries to get up, holding onto her to sit on the couch carefully.

The room is silent, Maddie is waiting for Buck to talk first.

“First of all, I’m sorry you had to see me like this. I never mea-”.

“Evan, stop apologizing please. You know I’ve seen worse” she interrupts, not trying to sound too rude but looking rather desperate instead. “Go on”.

“I’m just so confused, Mads.” he confesses as his voice cracks “I don’t know what’s happening to me”.

Maddie just stays silent, curious to know what’s going on with her brother and why he’s so upset.

“Ever since the tsunami I have this huge fear of losing the people that I love. You know that I tried therapy and it helped for a while, but I can’t shake off this feeling. I don’t know why” he pauses for a second to catch his breath, then continues “The tsunami also taught me that there’s some people in my life that are more important than I thought, and it scares me even more”.

He looks up at her, he’s not sure if she already knows who he’s talking about. Maddie just looks at him back, not saying a word.

“I-I think… I mean I know” Buck starts sobbing at this point and Maddie, knowing that he still has stuff to get off his chest, just grabs his hand and squeezes it a little to let him know that she’s there and she’s listening.

“It’s Eddie” he finally spits out, looking down. Maddie’s eyes widen a bit – it’s not like she didn’t see that coming but she wasn’t expecting it in that moment, not like this.

“He started dating Christopher’s teacher and, believe me Mads, I’m so happy for him. I really am. He deserves it” he takes another break, meaning that what he’s about to say is very important, but also hard for him to admit.

“But… I feel left behind. For some reason I convinced myself that Eddie, Chris and I were starting to build a little family of our own, you know? I thought hanging out with me was enough for them, but I was wrong” he wipes a tear, angry at himself for what he’s saying. “I miss them so much, Maddie”.

Buck can’t hold in the rest of his tears anymore; he throws himself into Maddie’s arms, who’s ready to catch him and hold him for as long as he needs. She isn’t really sure of what Buck meant with those words, but they feel like a confirmation of something that has been on her mind for a long time.

“Evan” she says calmly, stroking his arms to comfort him “how do you feel about Eddie?”

“W-what do you mean?” he replies, failing to sound as confused as he intended to.

“You know what I mean.”

Silence. Maddie can feel her brother taking another breath.

“I think… I think I love him, Mads” he finally admits, to her but most importantly to himself.

Maddie always had a feeling about it; Buck wasn’t as sneaky as he thought he was, with his looks and his heart eyes reserved exclusively for Eddie Diaz.

“It’s okay, honey. It’s okay”.

Buck’s tears can’t seem to stop, so he keeps going. He’s kept all these feelings inside of him for so long that now it’s impossible for him to bottle them up again.

After a while, Buck lets go of his sister and he straightens his back so he can look at her properly.

“Feel better?”

“A bit. Thank you, sis” he says, weak smile on his face.

“Don’t mention it. That’s what sisters are for.”

It’s almost midnight when Chimney texts Maddie to ask her where she is, but she knows that she can’t leave Buck just yet so she lies.

 **Maddie (11:56PM):** _Buckley night at my brother’s. Sorry babe, you’re not invited. Don’t wait up <3_

“You didn’t have to do that. I’m better now, you can go” adds Buck, catching her text with the corner of his eye.

“Evan, I’m not leaving you tonight. You’re gonna have to put up with me for a little longer” she responds, smirking.

For the rest of the night, the two just catch up on other things: they talk about work and how things are going between Maddie and Chimney, avoiding for a while the “Eddie” subject; but then Buck’s thoughts come back haunting him again.

“I can’t wrap my head around it, Mads. I mean… I’m not even gay. H-how am I-” he stops himself, maybe because he knows he’s ranting a little at this point and it’s getting pretty late. Maddie bursts into a small laugh, trying to hide it with her hand, and stars patting her brother’s leg with the other.

“Oh baby brother, you have a lot to learn!”

“What do you mean?” asks Buck, this time genuinely confused. “I like girls! You weren’t always here but I was kind of a heartbreaker before I met Abby”.

Now Maddie can’t hide her wide smile anymore, she looks sincerely amused by the turn the conversation took and Buck can’t understand why.

“Evan, you know that there are other sexualities other than gay and straight, right?”

Buck tilts his head, puzzled but very interested at the same time – there it is, the golden retriever in him.

“Are you serious? Didn’t Hen teach you anything?”

“It… it never came up” mumbles Buck, feeling a little shy all of a sudden.

Maddie sighs and starts explaining “Okay. So… some people feel better when they have a label to identify with. That’s why there are terms like bisexual, pansexual, asexual and so on. Others prefer not to label themselves, and that’s okay too.” She pauses for a moment to take his hand again, then continues “You don’t have to put a label on whatever you’re feeling for Eddie right now. There’s no rush. For some people it takes years to understand that part of themselves so it’s okay to be confused. For now, just focus on Eddie. Are you in love with him? Do you feel some kind of sexual attraction towards him? These are the questions you need to ask yourself first, then we can talk about what to do with Eddie”.

Buck’s listening with his mouth a little open, probably because of the amount of new information he just took in. Maddie made herself pretty clear, but he still seems a little lost.

“Wait, what to do with Eddie? Why? We’re not gonna do anything!” he panics a little, so Maddie starts caressing his hand with her fingers to calm him down.

“After you figure this out, you need to tell him, Evan. You can’t keep going like this. Deep down he knows something’s wrong too. And you need to give him an explanation for your behavior. You owe it to him, and to Christopher” Maddie is speaking more firmly this time; she isn’t trying to give Buck any orders but she knows him well enough to know that sometimes he needs a little push to do what needs to be done. Buck knows that too.

“Alright. I will. But I need to think this through first. I really don’t want to lose them, Mads.” Maddie could perfectly feel the fear he was talking about before in his voice.

“You won’t” she says, with her usual soft and calming voice; the one she uses every day to reassure people asking for help.

Buck trusts her and knows that everything will be okay eventually; he just doesn’t know how long and how much he will have to suffer before he gets there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have to be honest i made myself emo writing the part with christopher and buck sdhfhj  
> (stevebuckies i did it for you<3)


	3. You shook me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone!  
> i'm back, finally. sorry if it took so long, but i didn't have much time to write and actually i'm not really satisfied with how the chapter came out (ugh)... i still enjoyed writing about an underrated friendship on the show though!  
> i promise i'll get you more eddie content in the next chapter (angsty content, but still)
> 
> hope everyone enjoys eddie begins tomorrow  
> <3

Buck has been staring at his laptop screen for a couple of minutes now, not sure what to type on the search bar.

“ _How to know if you’re g-_... no.” he whispers to himself, rubbing his face with his hands.

“ _Gay test?_ Oh God, I’m such an idiot”.

He clicks on the first link he finds and takes the test quickly, even scoffing some of the questions in it. _You’re 100% straight_ : that’s what says on the screen. Buck knows he should feel relieved - that was the result he was hoping to get, right? However, he doesn’t seem content with that.

He starts typing again. “ _Am I bis_ -… c’mon Buck. _Am I bisexual?_ ” He doesn’t know why, but he regrets it the second he presses the send button.

Hundreds of articles, Youtube videos and blog posts start popping up on his screen and it’s in that exact instant that it hits him. He starts feeling his hands shaking a bit and his heart beating faster. It’s all too much for him in that moment: too much information to take in that make him feel extremely overwhelmed and anxious.

“Fuck! Fuck! Fu-” he sighs, pushing away his laptop and standing up, hands on his face again.

All his life, Buck thought he was straight and never doubted his attraction to girls. He’d started dating them since he was a kid because he always knew he could rely on his good looks and his charm. Being attracted to men wasn’t even a possibility in his mind: he was sure he liked girls and that was that. Besides, he spent half of his teenage years and early twenties drowning himself into girls and women anyway; he didn’t have time to think about anything else.

“What the hell was I thinking?” he mumbles, now lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling. “This can’t be happening to me. I’m straight!”

There it is, that feeling in his stomach again. Buck ignores it.

“Eddie is my best friend. He’s my brother! I-I can’t-”. Buck isn’t sure why he’s practically yelling at himself, as if he has to convince someone else other than himself of what he’s saying.

He feels embarrassed for how he acted the night before and especially for dragging Maddie into his mess; she didn’t deserve to spend hours of her free time babysitting him while he was having an unnecessary meltdown over nothing. It was all in his head: he doesn’t have feelings for Eddie, it’s just “brotherly love”.

 **Buck (10:46PM):** _hey mads i’m sorry about last night. forget all i said i. no need to worry about it. i was so wasted i don’t even remember what i told u ahah anyways thanks again big sis. don’t know what i’d to without you_

/

Buck thought that telling himself over and over again - like a mantra - that Eddie was just a friend was going to be enough to put his mind at rest, but a few days after his meltdown, he feels worse than ever.

When Maddie got that text she didn’t exactly agree with his decision to put all of that behind him and – even if he hates to admit it – he knows she’s right.

Countless nights of him not being able to get more than two hours of sleep were enough for Buck to realize that he had to do something about it. It was scary, but he had no other choice.

So that night he decides to get a glass of wine – weirdly, it always relaxes him – and get back on his laptop to do some more research. This time, he skips the standard Wikipedia pages and the silly quizzes he’d found earlier; instead he starts watching dozens of coming out videos, videos where people talk about bisexuality and its many facets.

It all hits him like a bus, tears start streaming down his face.

Bisexuality was fairly new to Buck, and whenever he heard about it, it was very distant from what he was feeling; he didn’t believe he was experiencing it. Then again, he never actually spoke to a bisexual person and he never knew what it exactly feels like.

But seeing and hearing people talking about it is different, eye-opening.

And now Buck can’t stop crying. He cries because he finally feels seen, acknowledged. He’s finally free to admit to himself that he isn’t crazy or wrong. He can admit to himself that when he checks out guys at the gym it’s not totally because he’s jealous of their muscles. He can admit to himself that when he was 15, he blushed and his heart skipped a beat when the kid he met at summer camp took his hand and kissed his cheek as they were saying goodbye for the last time, and that the pain in his chest was his heart aching at the thought of never seeing him again. He can admit to himself that he feels the exact same way every time he’s around Eddie.

Eddie. It’s all about him.

Buck can’t understand why he fell so much for him, but at least now he’s sure he did. He feels like a weight has being lifted off his chest. These feelings he’s been having for years now finally have a name: love. Not “brotherly love”.

Brothers don’t stare at each other’s lips when they speak, secretly wishing to feel them on their own to see if they’re as soft as they look. Brothers don’t find excuses to touch, even if it’s their knees under the kitchen table or their arms brushing together when they’re standing next to each other. And brothers definitely don’t find themselves yearning for the other one.

Well, at least that’s what Buck feels. Eddie is obviously clueless and – despite what Maddie said – he has no intention of telling him what he just realized. That would only make things worse and besides, Eddie is happily dating Ana. Buck is okay with keeping his distance; there’s no room in Eddie’s life for him in that moment.

Nevertheless, he knows there’s one person who could help him and guide him through this new path. A person who knows what it feels like to experience this kind of things: Hen. She’s the only gay person that he knows and trusts – Josh is becoming a really good friend, but Buck doesn’t feel like he knows him enough to open up about this stuff to him. Hen has always been a good friend to him, maybe more than the rest of the 118 sometimes: she always stood by him, even when he was fired for the first time from the LAFD. She was the only one who genuinely felt sorry for him, the only one who welcomed him back after the lawsuit and who was always defending him when he wasn’t there to stand up for himself. She likes to tease him, but it’s all because she cares a lot.

But telling Hen would be very risky for Buck. Telling someone else other than his own sister – who definitely already kind of knew – is scary. Admitting those words out loud, again. And Hen is also friends with Eddie, that would put her in an awkward position.

What if she thinks it’s a joke and laughs in his face? What if she tells everyone? What if she tells Eddie?

Buck can’t risk it. Keeping all of this to himself is the best thing to do.

/

“Buck, watch out!” yells Bobby from the other side of the room. “What’s up with you today? You good?” Buck just nods, not adding anything else to reassure his captain.

That day the 118 is at a girl’s apartment, helping her father who accidentally shot himself in the chest with a nail gun, and Buck seems inexplicably distracted. So distracted that on his way in he drops the stretcher three times and Bobby has to take over. And he’s sweating a lot. Everyone is giving him dirty looks, including the girl who called them.

“Aren’t they supposed to help?” she mutters as she steps away so that the first responders can work.

Buck rolls his eyes, then takes a deep breath. He’s aware of the fact that Bobby is right so he can’t get mad at him, only at himself for letting his personal stuff affecting his job like this.

“Listen, I don’t know what’s going on with you today but you need to keep it together while we’re on a call. I’m not asking for much here” adds Bobby, visibly frustrated.

The call is pretty easy - Chim and Hen have it covered - so Buck and Eddie are just leaning on a wall, waiting for the two paramedics to prep the man before they have to carry him into the ambulance.

“Is everything alright?” whispers Eddie, slowly reaching for Buck’s arm to make him look at him in the eyes.

Buck doesn’t know what to say and Eddie can clearly notice his jaw clenching before he answers his question. He feels his back getting tense again.

“Yeah man, just tired.”

Eddie just stares back at him, biting his bottom lip while nodding. He doesn’t look like he believes him, but goes with it anyway. They’re still on a call, surrounded by the rest of the team – not exactly the right time or place to catch up.

Eddie’s hand is still on his arm though, gently stroking it with his thumb. A small and intimate gesture he knows can calm him down. It takes all the strength Buck has in his body not to pull him into a hug right there and then, in front of everyone. He misses him, a lot: he misses hanging out with him, chatting with him over beers at his place and most of all, falling asleep next to him while they’re watching TV together. All these casual things were just normal for him a couple a weeks ago; he’s realizing just now how much he took them for granted.

And the look in Eddie’s eyes isn’t helping. He can feel that he’s worried about him and Buck doesn’t want him to think about him when he should be thinking about his son and his new girlfriend. But he could never tell him what’s happening because of him, so lying or avoiding the conversation is the only thing that he can do.

“Are you done staring lovingly into each other’s eyes? We have work to do there!” jokes Hen, making both Buck and Eddie snap out of it and run to her to help her put the man on the stretcher.

Buck seems to be sweating even more now, and Hen and Chim can’t help but notice and share a concerned look.

/

It’s the end of the shift and the firehouse looks deserted when Buck steps into the locker room to quickly change and grab his stuff – he waited until everyone was gone to come out, he wasn’t feeling like facing Bobby or the others after what happened on that call.

“Hey there, Buckaroo”

Buck immediately turns around, surprised to see that someone was still at the station after all.

“Hen, hey” he smiles softly at her. Even though he wanted to avoid everyone from the team, he’s genuinely happy to see her there.

She enters the room and sits on the bench, hands joined between her legs. She’s looking at him in a way that he only ever noticed a couple of times since they’ve known each other.

“How are you doing, Buck?”

“Why does everybody keep asking me that? I’m fine!” answers Buck, his voice cracks a little. All the stress and the anxiety was finally coming out, making him sound like an inconsiderate and rude jerk.

“Hey, we’re just worried about you.” she explains calmly. “I know you like to act like a big tough guy but we’ve all noticed that something is up. You know you can talk to us, right?”

Buck knew that perfectly. Trying to keep all those feelings bottled up definitely wasn’t working out for him. As soon as he saw Hen on the doorstep he realized that he needed to talk to someone, and she was just the person he was waiting for.

“Everyone noticed, huh?” finally replies, looking down to hide the tears that were starting to appear on the corner of his eyes.

He joins Hen on the bench, to avoid further eye contact with her.

“Buck!” she gasps “Please tell me everything is alright. Is it the leg? Are you okay?”

“No, it’s nothing like that. I’m fine. The doc cleared me, remember?” he reassures her, wiping a tear from her cheek.

Buck stays silent for a second, then grabs her hand. He wasn’t expecting to have this conversation with her that day so he doesn’t really know how to start.

“How…h-how did you know you weren’t straight?” he asks slowly, articulating every word in that sentence. He really wanted her to understand what he was asking without having to say any more out loud. Still, he can’t look at her in the eyes and see her reaction.

Hen’s mouth opens a little out of shock. Buck definitely surprised her with this one.

Even though she usually likes to make jokes and tease Buck - to try to ease the situation at least – she knows that now it’s not the right time. There must be a reason why Buck asked her this question while hiding his tears and she’s determined to find out what that is.

“Uhm…okay” she starts, caressing Buck’s hand gently. “I… kind of always knew. Ever since I was a kid I never had any interest in boys, I always wanted to hang out with girls. Talk to girls. Look at girls. Kiss girls.” She laughs a little, bumping her shoulder on Buck’s.

He finally looks up, tired of hiding how upset and confused he is.

“You know, at the beginning I didn’t realize I was a lesbian of course. I didn’t even know what that was! It took me some time to learn that people can be different and that not everyone has to fit into stereotypes and be what society thinks it’s right to be.” Buck hasn’t said a word since Hen started talking, so she figures that encouraging words are maybe what he needs to speak up and tell her what’s on his mind. “The world is full of amazing, diverse people. You can be whoever you want to be, love whoever you want to love. It’s okay. You know that, right?”

Buck finally finds the courage to look at her in the eyes, but it doesn’t last for long; as soon as he does, he starts crying again and puts his hands on his face, shaking his head.

“I don’t know how to do this, Hen. I’m lost” he confesses.

Suddenly, all the pieces come together for Hen. She doesn’t need him to tell her what’s happening, she knows. She quickly hugs Buck, holding him tighter as he grabs her shoulders and keeps sobbing even more.

“It’s okay, Buck. I’m here for you”.

She feels him nodding, but that’s it. He wasn’t going to add anything else – at least that day – and she completely understands that he isn’t ready for it.

Now Hen feels like she’s the jerk of the situation, constantly joking about Eddie and Buck’s relationship - to their faces and even behind their backs sometimes – with the rest of the 118. They even had a bet, just like the one they had before Bobby and Athena told everyone they were together. It was all good and innocent fun, until that moment. She should have realized that Bobby and Athena are not the same as Eddie and Buck, and that putting money on them being in love or together was wrong.

“Hey, I’m sorry about today. I shouldn’t have said that joke in front of everyone”

Buck breaks the hug, shrugging his shoulders. “It’s fine, Hen. You didn’t know”.

But she did know, and the guilt’s eating her alive. She should have known better. After all, if there’s one person who knows what it feels like to have people speculating about your sexuality and talking behind your back, it’s her.

“Please, don’t tell anyone about this. I-I need some time to-”

“Of course, Buck” she interrupts him, making sure he knows he can trust her.

Buck puts his fist forward and Hen isn’t quite sure what he’s doing.

“Pinky swear?”

They both laugh as Hen intertwines her pinky to his, solemnly promising she won’t say anything to anyone. They stay there for a couple of seconds, forehead against forehead and pinkies still joined.

“C’mon, let’s get you home. You look a mess”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, i apologise if the chapter was a little messy but i needed to get SOMEWHERE before the next one.  
> it's gonna be bigger. more buddie. more angst. just saying.
> 
> (feel free to comment and tell me what you're thinking so far<3)


	4. Tea for one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys!  
> how are we feeling after eddie begins? i'm still recovering :(  
> here's chapter four... i'm sorry for the angst  
> i promise you it'll be worth it <3

Avoiding Eddie was something that Buck was starting to get used to – it hurt, but it was necessary for him to move on.

His place was beginning to look like its own again: no more extra pjs or clothes he kept in one of his spare drawers for when Chris spent the night; no more legos laying around his floor; no more of Eddie’s favorite beer in his fridge. There was no need for any of those things anymore; Buck can’t even remember the last time they all spent time together like they used to.

That Friday, Buck has a day off – the first in a couple of weeks – and he’s a bit frustrated because usually he would use this time to go out or hang out with his friends, but the majority of the 118 is working and Maddie is busy too so, he doesn’t know who to call or what to do with his day.

He could call Eddie, of course, but he knows he won’t. Months before their fallout, both of them had managed to schedule their days off at the same time so that they could plan trips with Christopher or simply be together. That’s why Buck knows Eddie is home too, and that’s why he can’t keep his eyes off his phone, hoping it would start ringing.

At some point during the afternoon, Buck decides to take a shower before ordering take out later that night – his plans weren’t going to change and he’d made peace with that hours ago.

Despite that, checking is phone is the first thing he does once he gets out of the shower and to his surprise, there’s a text waiting for him. His heart jumps to his throat once he realizes who sent it.

 **Eddie (6:12PM):** _Hey man, what’s up? Listen, I think I left my jacket at your place a couple of weeks ago because I can’t find it anywhere and I remember wearing it that day. Did you find it by any chance?_

Buck already knows the answer to that question and he remembers perfectly what he did when Eddie left it there. Sometimes he just looks at it, gently brushing his fingers on the fabric inside. Eddie’s scent wasn’t as strong as before and he knew the guy was bound to notice sooner or later that one of his favorite jackets was missing.

 **Buck (6:34PM):** _hey. yeah i just checked and i think i mistook it for one of my own. it was in my closet. sorry_

He lies, he certainly can’t tell him the truth.

 **Eddie (6:36PM):** _Oh, alright. I’m glad you found but it’s a shame though. I’m taking Ana out tonight and I really wanted to wear it. Don’t worry, you can give it back tomorrow at work. Thanks man_.

Buck sighs, still holding his phone is his hands. He doesn’t even know what to reply to that, so he doesn’t.

He’s feeling a lot of things in that moment and it confuses him: hope, guilt, shame. Even if he’s sure he has feelings for Eddie now, he still wants him to be happy and enjoy this thing he has with Ana. It’s weird, but somehow he wants Eddie to look his best for that date and he feels like it’s his fault if he can’t. He was selfish and kept his jacket without telling him, what was he thinking?

“What am I? A fucking twelve year-old with a crush?” he tells to himself, shaking his head in disbelief.

He has to make it right someway – he won’t be able to move on and stop thinking about it all night if he doesn’t. And he wants to see Eddie. He really does.

So, Buck figures that maybe he doesn’t have to wait until the next day to give him the jacket back. Maybe, he can drop it at Eddie’s place that night, before the date. And maybe, just maybe, he can stay a little and catch up over a beer or two. It was still pretty early, and Buck knows that Eddie doesn’t need a lot of time to get ready and look good before going out. He just needs a quick shower and he’s good to go, already handsome and perfect in his eyes.

It made sense to him, it was the right move. But telling Eddie he was about to come over was just going to ruin it - he wanted to surprise him.

Buck quickly gets dressed, hair still wet from the shower, grabs his keys and jumps on his car. He has a good feeling about this; he can’t wait to see Eddie.

/ 

Buck gets to Eddie’s place in just twenty minutes – traffic in LA was kind to him that night. He gets out of the car in a hurry, almost forgetting his keys inside, and knocks at the door. He’s excited but nervous at the same time.

However, when the door opens, the person he sees in front of him is not the one he was expecting. It’s Ana.

“Uhm, hi? Buck, right? You must be Buck” she turns to Eddie, who’s standing on the other side of the room, folding some clothes at the table.

“Buck, what are you doing here?” Eddie quickly joins his girlfriend at the door, slightly confused about what’s happening.

Buck is speechless, he feels immensely mortified and can’t say a word. In his head, he’s already cursing at himself for being so stupid and naïve. He should have waited, or at least he should have texted before dropping everything and rushing to Eddie’s for no reason.

Eddie notices that Buck is holding something in his hand and immediately looks him dead in the eye “I told you you could give it back tomorrow”.

And Buck knows it. He just doesn’t know how to justify his presence, especially since Ana is there.

“Well, it’s fine. Why don’t you come in?” says Ana, to ease the tension.

Unexpectedly, she greets him with a smile and arms wide open. Apparently, Eddie’s talked so much about Buck that she feels like she already knows him quite a lot; hugging him comes pretty natural to her.

On the other hand, Buck and Eddie barely spoke about Ana – to be precise, they barely spoke at all since they met – so he doesn’t have the first clue about what she’s like. For obvious reasons, he isn’t as excited as her to welcome her in his arms but he doesn’t want to be rude in front of her, so he does. He can’t help but lose the fake smile he put on once he’s sure Ana can’t see his face anymore; he didn’t really think about it and hopes that Eddie didn’t notice.

After they let go, Buck awkwardly steps into the apartment and follows the couple to the living room.

“Here” says Buck shyly, handing back the jacket to his actual owner. Eddie just nods and doesn’t thank him; he looks pissed off at Buck for some reason.

The room is silent, tension is still in the air.

Buck is the first one to break the silence “W-where’s Chris? Maybe I can say hi before I leave”.

Both Buck and Ana turn to Eddie for an answer – she looks as confused as him.

“Yeah, where is he? You told me he was going to be here today. Gosh, I almost forgot” she adds quietly, smiling at her forgetfulness.

“Uhm….a-aunt Pepa wanted to see him today.” Eddie stutters a bit, but then hurries to finish the sentence, leaving the other two with an unconvinced expression on their faces.

“Right. I think I’m gonna go then” mutters Buck, already heading to the door.

Ana gasps, softly slapping her own thigh. “And why is that? C’mon, it’s my first time meeting the famous Evan Buckley. Stay a little, we don’t mind. Right, Eddie?”

“…Our dinner reservation is in an hour and a half. I don’t think we sh-”

“Exactly! We have plenty of time left. Sit next to me” she pats the empty spot next to her on the couch “I’m sure we have a lot to talk about and-”

Buck can feel Eddie sigh. He’s definitely annoyed at him for dropping there unannounced, so he knows it’s time for him to go home. Besides, he wasn’t really planning on spending the rest of his evening chatting about the man he’s in love with with his current girlfriend.

“I’m really sorry, but I have to go now” Buck cuts her off before she can finish. “I don’t want to be late for my date anyway”. He wasn’t expecting to lie like that to their faces, but that word came out of his mouth before he could even realize.

“A date?” Ana and Eddie ask the question in unison, but with a different tone. Ana seems excited and curious, Eddie on the other hand sounds even more annoyed and slightly offended.

“I didn’t know you started dating again” adds Eddie, almost whispering.

“Well… it was about time” replies Buck, his tone unintentionally passive-aggressive.

Ana doesn’t seem to pick up on that, but Eddie does. He definitely does.

“So, I’m gonna head home now.” Buck points to the front door, walking towards it. “And Ana, it was a pleasure meeting you. Bye now”.

Buck doesn’t even wait for them to say anything, he just shuts the door behind him and gets into his car, basically running.

Luckily, he manages to get inside before his anger kicks in and a single tear starts streaming down his face. He wipes it immediately; he was done crying for Eddie Diaz.

/

It’s 2AM when Buck checks his phone and realizes that he’s been twisting and turning in his bed for hours now, unable to fall asleep. It’s becoming some sort of habit to him: going to bed, thinking that’s the night he can finally get some sleep, and then ending up staring at his ceiling with a billion different thought on his mind. Lately, he’s been staring at his ceiling more than he’s stared at his TV.

Eddie’s face when he saw him at his door is haunting him. He looked so annoyed, so upset that he was there.

Buck feels like an idiot, an impulsive and naïve idiot. He should have asked Eddie if he was alone, he shouldn’t have assumed. Eddie told him he was okay with him giving his jacket back the next day, so why did he have to rush it? What was he hoping for? And why did he even lie? Eddie’s probably going to ask him about his date the next day. What is he supposed to say?

Actually, Eddie stopped asking questions about Buck’s personal life a long time ago so he already knows he can likely get away with it.

Still, Buck feels like it was wrong to lie to their faces like that, so he takes his phone and starts typing. It’s the middle of the night, but he doesn’t care. He knows Eddie has trouble falling asleep too.

**Buck (2:07AM):** _i’m sorry about today. should have texted first. hope you still enjoyed your night_

Once again, he acted out of impulsiveness and didn’t think about the fact that Eddie could still be with Ana doing god knows what at that time of the night.

Half an hour later, still no answer from Eddie – even if Buck already feels like he got his answer.

Things have clearly changed and he knows he needs to stop fooling himself and accept the situation as it is. Eddie’s gone, he lost him.

As a matter of fact, his little trip to his place only proved him that his former best friend is happy and he doesn’t need him anymore. It also proved him that he can’t stand seeing Eddie with someone that isn’t him – too painful.

Maybe, dethatching himself from the Diaz family was a good idea after all.

Buck is surely going to miss Christopher, but he also knows that he’s a strong kid and that he’ll be able to move on quickly; between the two, Buck is definitely the one who’s going to suffer more because of this.

Chris was like a beam of light in Buck’s life, he loved him like his own son – it was no secret. Chris helped him fight the darkest thoughts in his mind, the ones that used to keep him up at night after the accident with the ladder truck, before all this mess happened. He had an immense amount of love and admiration in his heart for that kid. In a way, Buck was the one looking up to him, he was his hero. Sometimes, he even envied his strength. Taking care of him was one of the greatest joys of his life. It made him feel like he wasn’t alone, that just because his family wasn’t as loving as it should have been, it doesn’t mean that he can’t find that love somewhere else. 

After Abby left, Buck felt a deep void inside of him; he was lost. But then Maddie came back and suddenly he started feeling like, maybe, he hadn’t totally lost his chance of being happy. Yet, the void wasn’t fully gone; it still weighted on him.

Eddie and Christopher were just that missing piece he was looking for, the one he needed to be whole again. 

Now that they’re gone, the void inside of him is deeper than it’s ever been.

/

The middle of the night isn’t exactly the right time to make decisions, Buck has quite some experience with that.

His phone is burning in his hands as he waits for Eddie to reply to his text, so he opens Instagram and browses it for a while. Suddenly, an ad pops up on his screen and, as soon as he sees it, he knows it’s going to be one of those nights where the bad decisions take over.

It was an ad for Tinder. He wasn’t exactly new to dating apps – Buck 1.0 was a master of casual hookups – but he hadn’t used one of those since he started dating Abby and his personal journey to become Buck 2.0 was just starting.

Once the app is downloaded back on his phone, Buck can’t help but notice how different the person described in his personal profile is from the one he’s today. He definitely needs to make some changes if he wants to actually accomplish something other than a one-night stand. The first big thing is adding men to his interests as well as women.

Is he ready for that? Absolutely not.

Is he doing it anyway? It’s the only thing that makes sense to him in that moment. He has no other choice if he really wants to move on from all of this.

Move on from Eddie Diaz.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... what's up with eddie?? :o  
> what do you think??


	5. Fool in the rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone!  
> how are you holding up? are you ready to see abby in next week's episode? (ಠ_ಠ)  
> i know the angst isn't probably helping shdjsjs  
> anyway, enjoy the chapter and, as always, let me know what you think  
> (and your theories if you have any)  
> <3

It’s a quiet day at the Diaz house.

Eddie didn’t want to admit it to himself, but ever since Buck stopped hanging around his apartment, everything felt very different – even Chris wasn’t as bubbly as he usually is. Actually, Chris seemed pretty down – especially after his father basically dragged him out of nowhere to aunt Pepa’s house a couple of days before, without telling him why or when he was going back to pick him up. Chris didn’t say a word, of course, and obeyed.

That night Chris asks Eddie to be excused from the table early, saying he wasn’t feeling very well and wanted to go to bed right away, without finishing his dinner.

Eddie is a little surprised, but doesn’t protest and helps his kid get ready to go to bed like he asked.

“Are you feeling better now?” he asks while gently caressing Chris’ fluffy curls “Do you want me to read to you?”

“No, it’s okay. I just want to go to sleep”.

Eddie can feel something’s off, but he recently learned that he can’t force Chris to talk to him or he would end up pushing him away – and that’s the last thing he wants right now. He will talk to him in another moment, when Chris is in a better mood. For now, he just kisses him goodnight and turns off the light as he walks out of his room.

Half an hour later, Eddie is still cleaning the kitchen when he hears some noise in Chris’ room and immediately rushes there.

He finds Chris, sitting on his bed, crying his eyes out while trying to muffle the sound of his sobs with his hands on his mouth.

“What happened? Are you okay?” Eddie runs to sit on the bed and hold his son.

“It’s all my fault. I know it is” cries Chris, eyes puffy and red.

Eddie doesn’t ask, he just assumes Chris had a nightmare about the tsunami and reassures him instantly.

“Hey, don’t say that. It’s not your fault, you hear me? Whatever happened during the tsunami is not on you, Chris.”

Christopher stops crying for a second and looks at Eddie, confused; then, he collapses into his father’s arms and even more tears start streaming down his face.

“No, dad. I didn’t have a nightmare” he confesses. “It’s Buck. I’m the reason we don’t see him anymore, right?”

Eddie can’t believe what he just heard. His son is losing sleep at night because he feels like he’s responsible for what’s happening with Buck, when in reality Eddie is the one who’s fucking it up. And the worst thing is that he doesn’t even know why he’s pushing him away.

Once again, the fear and the insecurities take over and Eddie can’t help but feel like he just failed his son again. All this time, he was busy going out with Ana and slowly leaving Buck behind and he never stopped for a moment to think about how that could affect Chris. He was being selfish – something that wasn’t new to him when it came to Chris.

“What are you talking about? Buck is just busy, that’s all”.

“But he doesn’t come over anymore” Christopher’s voice breaks a bit “I miss him, dad.”

Eddie doesn’t know what to say – he certainly can’t tell his son what’s actually going on. Instead, he holds him in a tight hug and whispers “I know” a couple of times, to try to calm him down.

“Maybe he isn’t busy tomorrow night. Can you ask him, dad? Please?” Eddie was never able to resist his son’s puppy eyes.

“I’m gonna try, kid” he replies, not as confidently as he wished. “Now go to sleep, it’s late. Do you want a bedtime story now?”

Chris shrugs, as he yawns and lies back in his bed. Eddie takes the hint, so he kisses him goodnight for the second time and gets up. Before turning off the lights, he stops for a moment to check one last time if Chris is okay.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, dad… You don’t do the funny voices like Buck does anyway” adds Chris, with a cheeky smile on his face.

“Is that how is it, huh?” he gasps loudly and dramatically to make his son laugh even more.

“Sweet dreams, mijo. I love you”.

“Love you too, dad.”

/

When Eddie asks Buck if he’s free to hang out with him and Chris that night, he’s quite surprised at first. He and Eddie weren’t really speaking that much, especially after what happened at his house a couple of days before, but he didn’t think Eddie was still mad at him or something. He never brought it up and, as a matter of fact, he was acting like it never happened. Weird – sure - but Buck feels nothing but relief and happiness when he hears him say those words.

“Yeah. Sure, man.” replies Buck, trying to sound casual and not like he’s been waiting for Eddie to ask him that for weeks. “Aren’t you the one who’s always busy?”

“Actually, Ana is in New York for the week. A teacher’s seminar or something. Can’t remember” adds Eddie quietly, as if he doesn’t want Buck to hear him.

“Cool” comments Buck, not even trying to hide the sarcasm. “My place or your place?”

“You choose. It’s the same for us.”

“Alright, then my place if you don’t mind. I went to the grocery store before my shift and my fridge is full of stuff I definitely can’t finish on my own.” Buck smiles softly, but with a hint of sadness hidden behind that. 

“Okay” Eddie nods quickly “Chris is gonna be so excited to hear that”.

“Yea, I’m e-”

Suddenly the alarm at the station goes off and before they know it, they’re both running to a truck. Buck is secretly glad his conversation with Eddie was cut off because he didn’t want to give away how happy he is to spend the evening with Chris – and him.

/

The evening goes by in the blink of an eye. Chris doesn’t let go of Buck for one second the whole time and Buck doesn’t seem to mind. He truly missed that kid like crazy.

On the other hand, Eddie looks numb and distracted; he doesn’t talk or eat much.

“What’s on your mind?” asks Buck when Chris goes to the bathroom and can’t hear them talk. He’d noticed Eddie’s behavior and observed him, but he didn’t want to say anything in front of Christopher.

“You know, the other night I found Chris crying. I thought it was because of the nightmares but actually he was crying because he missed you” Eddie stops for a moment to look at Buck, then looks away and continues “And, I have to be honest… I missed you too”.

Buck is frozen and can’t even process a coherent response to what Eddie just said.

“I know that right now I’m probably the last person you want to hang out with two times in a row, but maybe I can come over tomorrow too. You know, since Ana is gone all week and Chris is at abuela’s. I believe I owe you a beer and chat.”

Buck is still silent, with his mouth a little open – not sure that if he starts a sentence he’ll know how to finish it properly.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to. I know I overst-”

“No, it’s cool” Buck interrupts, finally finding his voice again “You do owe me a beer and a chat.”

They both smile at each other, as Chris opens the door and slowly gets out of the bathroom with his hands still wet.

“Chris, I told you not to do that. You’re dripping water all over the floor” exclaims Eddie as soon as he notices, giving Buck a mortified look.

“Don’t worry, Chris. The house was suspiciously clean and I needed someone to bring back things to normal”. They all laugh together – particularly Buck, who can’t get rid of the grin on his face even when the other two stop.

That night is everything Buck was hoping for, what he’s been dreaming for weeks. However, he feels way more nervous and excited about the next day, for obvious reasons.

Eddie was quiet all night, so Buck thinks that he might be waiting to be actually alone with him to say something – even apologize perhaps. He sure hopes so. Ever since he left Eddie’s place that day, he can’t stop replaying what happened over and over again in his head, trying to understand if he was the one in the wrong or if it was Eddie instead. Without going into major details, he spoke to Maddie about it and – as expected – she said that it was definitely wrong to show up unannounced, but also that Eddie had no right to kick him out like that; it was rude and so not like Eddie. And she was right.

Therefore, Buck has really high expectations. He’s tired of hiding how much he misses Eddie and he wants everything to be back to normal, even if it means getting to know Ana more – she’s still a part of Eddie’s life after all. He’s willing to do that, because life without the Diaz family is too unbearable for him.

/

The next day, a thunderstorm strikes the city and the 118 has a really difficult and challenging day at work. Everyone in the team is drained once their shift is over so, when Buck says goodbye to finally head home, he almost takes for granted that Eddie isn’t coming over later that night – he kept repeating how tired he was and how much he needed a good night of sleep, and Buck agreed.

Around 10:30PM, Buck is laying on the couch, absently watching one of the many cooking shows he first became obsessed with while he was recovering after the accident with the ladder truck.

A sudden knock on the door grounds him.

“Eddie, what are you doing here?” he gasps, actually surprised to see him there when he gets up and opens the door. “I thought you weren’t coming”.

“A beer and a chat, right?” Eddie’s hair is damp from the rain, just like his clothes, but he doesn’t seem to mind. “Now let me in, it’s hell outside”.

“Yeah, I know. That’s why I thought you were staying home” Buck says, as he watches Eddie put something on the kitchen table. “And what’s that? I have plenty of beer, you know”.

“Vodka, baby! We have to forget about the crazy day we just had, am I right?”

Buck blushes a little, but manages to hide it successfully. He knows it’s just an expression Eddie uses when he’s excited from time to time.

“Alright. It’s one of those nights then” he laughs, but he’s worried at the same time. He remembers what happened the last time he drunk vodka – a whole bottle on his own, to be precise – but he’s confident that he’s not going to end up like that again. Eddie is there with him, nothing can go wrong.

And so they drink – all the beers Buck had in fridge first, then they move to vodka shots. Both of them are feeling tipsy already.

“Wait a second, you’re not supposed to drink, are you? You’re on medication”.

“Well, let’s just say that what I’m supposed to do and what I want to do aren’t exactly the same thing. It’s too late anyway”.

They both laugh hysterically and Buck almost falls over the stool – fortunately, Eddie grabs him by the arm in time. However, once Buck is stable again, Eddie doesn’t take his hand off his arm, but squeezes it lightly instead. They stay silent for a moment, and Buck can’t decipher the look Eddie’s giving him.

“Let’s move this party to the couch! These stools are so uncomfortable, my butt hurts” Buck suggests, standing up and jumping clumsily on the couch. Eddie follows, still chuckling.

Buck is definitely drunk, but not too drunk to notice that, all night, Eddie has avoided talking about what happened between them and he hasn’t even come close to apologizing like he was expecting him to do.

“Why are you here?” blurts out Buck, seemingly out of nowhere.

“W-what do you mean?” says Eddie distractedly, while hiding a small and drunk burp.

“What changed? Last week you didn’t want to see me, you sent me away. And now you’re here, taking shots in my house.”

Eddie’s about to answer, but Buck feels the need to interrupt him before he can start making up some half-assed excuse. “And don’t lie to me. I want the truth here and now.”

Eddie gulps, feeling anxious all of a sudden, but figures that since they’re both drunk, he can let himself go and actually say what’s been on his mind for a while.

“I wasn’t lying yesterday… you know, when I told you that I missed you too” he starts, taking a few breaks while speaking. “I know I haven’t been around much. I’m sorry about that. And I’m sorry if I pushed you away. I don’t know why I acted like that.”

Eddie seems genuinely sorry for what he did, and Buck already knows that he doesn’t need to explain himself anymore. He forgave him the second he showed up at his door despite the day they had and the thunderstorm outside.

But Eddie continues “It’s all so new to me. And when Ana brought up the fact that you and I spend a considerable time of our days together, I panicked. I’m sorry. She told me that you have a life too, you know? That I shouldn’t keep you from it. From going out, going on dates…” They immediately share a look when Eddie says the word “dates”.

Buck is feeling lots of things in that moment, his chest feels warm and his heart is pounding inside of it. He feels stupid for lying to Eddie about the date, but also feels weirdly happy about it. Eddie looks… jealous? Buck can’t tell if it’s the alcohol that’s making him think that or if it’s actually happening.

Either way, Buck’s mind and Buck’s body aren’t exactly fully connected at the moment and - before he knows it - his lips land on Eddie’s, kissing him gently.

“What the fuck are you doing, man?” yells Eddie, pulling away instantly and jumping on his feet.

“I-I’m so sorry Eddie, I-I don’t know why I just did that” Buck’s screaming too, not out of anger but out of fear. “I didn’t mean to do that, believe me. I’m drunk and so are you.”

“You’re fucking unbelievable!”

“Eddie, please! It’s nothing, just a kiss” Buck is desperate at this point.

“Just a kiss? Do you hear yourself?” keeps yelling Eddie, walking around the apartment nervously and shaking his hands.

“Lower your voice, it’s late!” says Buck to try to calm him down, but getting quite the opposite result instead.

“I’m not doing that. How do you expect me to be calm after the stunt you just pulled?”

“I told you I’m sorry, it didn’t mean anything. We’re drunk!”

“You just ruined everything, you know that? Get away from me”. That’s the last thing Eddie says to Buck, before storming out of the apartment and running down the stairs.

“Where are you going? It’s raining outside and you’re drunk!” 

“I don’t care!”

Eddie has reached the end of the stairs and, knowing that Buck is running just as fast to catch up and stop him, he runs out to his car - suddenly the rain isn’t a problem to him.

“Eddie!” screams Buck from the top of his lungs, not caring that it’s the middle of the night anymore. “Eddie, where are you?”

Just like he feared, Eddie’s already gone when Buck gets downstairs and all he wants to do is punch himself for what he did.

What was he thinking? How could he misread the situation like that? And why did he ever think, even for a brief second, that kissing Eddie was the right thing to do? Eddie wasn’t stroking his arm when he grabbed it, he was just making sure he didn’t fall on the floor. He didn’t look at him fondly, he was just dizzy from the booze. He wasn’t jealous, he was just feeling a bit guilty for his behavior. Nothing more.

Eddie said it himself, he just ruined everything. If there ever was a possibility of things going back like they used to, now it’s gone.

And to top that, Buck’s also worried that Eddie is going to get himself in trouble or get hurt, because he’s sure that he’s as drunk as he is and that he shouldn’t drive in that state.

His knees give out as he crumbles on the ground, helpless and desperate. He doesn’t want to call him on the phone because it would be another distraction that Eddie definitely doesn’t need while driving, so he just stays there – heavy rain falling on him, directly.

He’s soaking wet, especially his face, maybe because of the rain, maybe because of the tears that started coming out of his eyes as soon as he realized that he just made the biggest mistake of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eddie whyyyyyy


	6. Nobody's fault but mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone!  
> sorry if this chapter is a bit longer than usual and with a lot of time jumps, i hope you won't find it confusing.  
> i'm open to discuss everything if you want, you can find me on twitter  
> anywayyyy, enjoy <3 
> 
> (ps. i read ALL the comments even if i don't reply. i appreciate all of you for the support. your comments are the reason why i keep writing the fic so THANK YOU and keep them coming!)

The next day, Eddie shows up late for work and Buck, although he knew how drunk they both were the night before, is a little surprised by that – Eddie never did that once since he joined the 118, not even when he had to take Chris to school.

Once Eddie gets there, Buck feels anxious to talk to him and doesn’t really know how to act around him after what happened. However, the first thing Eddie does is going to Bobby to ask him to talk privately.

Hen and Chimney share a look, then they both shift to Buck, asking for answers.

“What’s up with him?” asks Chimney, genuinely confused.

Buck shrugs, just as confused as the others. He knows why Eddie was late, but he has no idea why he’s talking to Bobby, gesticulating a lot and looking so concerned.

“I just hope everything’s okay” adds Hen, almost whispering, as if she was thinking out loud.

Bobby and Eddie talk for a few more minutes, while the rest of the 118 just sits back and stares from afar. Eddie seems very upset, but Bobby doesn’t look very happy either.

“I’m so sorry, Cap. I need to go now”.

That’s the only sentence the team is able to hear, as they watch Eddie walk away from Bobby and leaving the station without saying hello or goodbye to any of them.

Bobby takes a big breath, before joining the others on the couch and finally telling them what’s going on. “Okay, listen up guys. Eddie has decided to change most of his shifts starting from today, so we won’t be seeing him for a while. Don’t worry, he’s not leaving or asking for a transfer. Those hours are just gonna work out for him a bit more, that’s all.”

The whole team looks confused and generally sad – some more than others.

“But why? Did he tell you, Cap?” says Chimney, looking around to the others.

“It’s none of our business. I’m not thrilled either, but he still works here, right?”

“What am I gonna do without him, Cap?” blurts out Buck, who stayed suspiciously silent until then.

“Buck, it’s gonna be fine. James will take his place. He switched up his shifts with Eddie”.

Buck feels like protesting again, but he knows he has no reason to. James is a nice guy and a very competent and skilled firefighter too. He can’t argue with Bobby’s decision, especially not in front of the rest of the 118.

So he just nods, and goes on with his day of work – visibly less cheery and smiley than usual.

/

Almost two weeks later, Buck has managed to see Eddie only once. As far as he knows, both Hen and Chim have come across him a few times, but only when Buck wasn’t there with them.

However, that single time they saw each other was enough for Buck to understand why Eddie did what he did so suddenly.

Even if they were on a call together and they were supposed to help each other through it, Eddie never spoke to Buck voluntarily and when he was forced to interact with him, he always called him by his last name and never met his eyes once.

To Buck, it felt like a knife being twisted inside an open wound in his chest.

He had to stay strong, for the person they were rescuing and the rest of the 118, but he couldn’t mask his feelings very well. His face was very telling of how much he was hurting inside. And no one in the team had the heart to ask him what happened between him and Eddie – particularly Hen, who was starting to connect the dots together on her own.

He felt invisible, like a ghost. At that point, he would have preferred it if Eddie had started yelling at him again; at least they would have talked in some way.

But Eddie wasn’t talking to him, he was just slowly disappearing.

Whenever he thinks about it, Buck can’t help but feel like it’s his fault. He’s the one who ruined everything and, because of his mistakes, his team and his friends are being affected too. That’s why he knows he has to do everything in his power to bring back things to normal, if not in his personal life, at least at work.

/

“Buckaroo, hi”.

Hen pops her head into the locker room and waves at Buck, who’s busy stuffing his shirt into his very full locker with no success.

“Are you ready for the day?” she asks, walking inside and sitting on the bench.

That scene looks oddly familiar to Buck, but he hopes he won’t end up crying his eyes out again. He doesn’t think he has any tears left in him anyway.

Buck answers absently, still thinking about the last time they were in this situation.

There’s a question that has been on his mind for a while and he quickly realizes that if he really wants to ask Hen about it, this is the best chance he has to do so.

“Have you talked to Eddie? Like, at all? Or is it just me that he’s avoiding?”

Buck’s voice sounds extremely hurt, but there’s no reason to pretend with Hen. She might not know the full story with all the details, but she definitely knows that Eddie has to do with his most recent breakdown and that something is up.

“I have, actually” she answers, pausing for a moment. “Not much, but I have. And so did Chim.”

Buck doesn’t say anything and just stares at Hen, hoping that she can tell him a bit more about what she knows.

She bites her lip slightly, then continues “He broke up with Ana. That’s all he told me. He seemed very upset about it.”

Buck widens his eyes and Hen immediately understand that she just gave him the exact kind of information he was looking for. He couldn’t have known any other way if not from her.

“I see” adds Buck, nodding slowly and trying to process what she just told him.

There’s a brief moment of silence, until Hen decides that there’s one last thing she needs to say. “Eddie was the one to end things, not her. He didn’t tell me much after that, but he wanted me to know how it went down.”

At that point, Buck looks at her in the eyes, but then looks away almost immediately.

Did he really fuck things up so bad that Eddie had to leave Ana? Did he tell her what happened? She must have reacted so badly that Eddie decided to end things before she did. Or is he lying and Ana was actually the one who broke up with him?

Buck can’t ask all these questions to Hen because he already knows that she doesn’t have the answers he’s looking for. The only person who does is Eddie.

On the other hand, Hen has a very small and light smirk on her face that Buck can’t crack. Is she connecting the wrong dots or does she know something Buck doesn’t?

Either way, after what Buck told her the last time they had a conversation about it, Hen is very aware of the fact that she can’t push him into opening up to her. He’s going through something that she knows very well but is very new to him instead, so he needs to take his time and come to her whenever he’s ready.

“Thank you” whispers Buck, squeezing her arm gently. He might not be ready to tell her everything that happened, but he’s certainly glad to have a friend like her to go to when he’s upset or simply needs some kind words.

“Anytime, Buckaroo”.

/

Based on what Hen told Buck, Eddie was going through a rough breakup and he was all alone – he hadn’t reached out to any of his friends at the 118 and he most certainly couldn’t talk to Christopher about it.

Even if they weren’t speaking anymore and he was probably the cause of all of it, Buck still feels like it’s his job to try talk to him and be there for him in that moment. It wasn’t a good idea, but Buck can’t stand the thought of Eddie suffering in silence and putting all of his feelings aside just to make sure that Chris doesn’t notice anything and won’t ask questions.

He tries texting him a few times, sometimes he even calls, but never gets an answer from Eddie.

Until one day, when Buck decides to show up to work a little earlier than usual, hoping to find him still there. Ironically, the parking lot is full and the only spot left is exactly the one next to Eddie’s truck, so Buck parks there and rushes out of his car – now certain that he would meet his friend inside.

In that moment, Eddie is walking out of the station with his eyes fixed on his phone and he’s too distracted to notice that he isn’t alone in that parking lot.

“Eddie!”

He looks up from his phone and freezes at the sight of Buck standing right next to his truck, waiting for him. It’s the first time they’ve been alone since that night and he wasn’t prepared to face him just yet, not like that.

“What are you doing here?” asks Eddie with a cold and firm tone.

“I still work here, remember?”

Eddie doesn’t answer, he just gives a dirty look to Buck to show that he isn’t really in the mood for that kind of conversation.

“I’m late. Can you move? I need to go”.

But Buck doesn’t move a muscle, he just crosses his arms and leans even more on Eddie’s truck instead.

Buck is challenging him, and that only makes Eddie more annoyed and angry at him.

“So this is how it’s gonna be, huh? You’re gonna avoid me forever?” Buck isn’t joking anymore, he actually sounds hurt now.

“That’s the plan!” replies Eddie, slightly raising his voice.

Buck moves from the truck and takes a step closer to Eddie. He didn’t mean to look intimidating, but apparently that’s what Eddie thinks as he also takes a step, but away from Buck.

“I know about you and Ana”.

“Oh yeah? And what exactly do you know?”

“I know that you br-”

Eddie interrupts him before he can finish “You don’t know shit!”

He’s basically yelling at this point and, in a way, Buck is glad that it’s early and they’re the only two people in the parking lot.

“I would know if you just talked to me!” confesses Buck, his voice cracks a bit at the end.

“I’m fine! And my dating life doesn’t concern you anyway.”

Buck can’t take Eddie’s crap anymore and, before he knows it, he’s screaming too.

“Really? Because it seems like it did concern me when you asked me to hang out so you could talk about her. And it did concern me when you decided that it was okay to text me out of the blue to drop Chris at my house so you could have your date night”. Buck is worn out already, but he knows they’re just getting started.

“I thought you didn’t mind watching Chris” mumbles Eddie, genuinely surprised by that.

“That’s not the point!” says Buck, raising his voice even more – so much that he has to pause to take a break before continuing. “The point is that you took me for granted! Believe me, I was happy for you at the beginning. But then you started ignoring me and seeing me only as your babysitter! How was I supposed to take it?”

“That’s not tr-” tries to reply Eddie, only to be interrupted by Buck again.

“It is true! You stopped caring about me when Ana came into the picture! Don’t even try to deny that. And you had the nerve to abandon me for someone you didn’t even care about that much, apparently! Am I that worthless to you?”

“You know what you are to me? You’re exhausting! Everything is about you, isn’t it?” This time it’s Eddie’s turn to take a step forward and look intimidating. “I don’t regret any of the things I said at the grocery store that time. You just proved me that I was right”.

Now, they’re standing very close to each other and Eddie has a fire in his eyes that Buck’s never seen before. It scares him. He’s almost sure Eddie is about to punch him right in the face this time. There’s no one to stop them anyway.

Unexpectedly, Eddie sighs and walks to his truck, aggressively bumping his shoulder on Buck’s.

“We’re done here” adds Eddie, as he jumps on his truck and drives away without giving Buck a proper chance to respond.

Buck doesn’t even try to stop him. He’s done too.

/

One month goes by, just like that. It’s the longest time Eddie and Buck haven’t interacted or even seen each other.

Buck’s memory of his life with Eddie in it was slowly fading away. It never stopped hurting, but Buck was beginning to adjust to it and actually move on. Maddie helped with that a lot too.

He even started texting a guy he matched with on Tinder, Dean – nothing serious, just texts. Buck immediately explained to him that he was new to all of that and, surprisingly, Dean understood perfectly and agreed to wait to meet with him until Buck felt ready to do so.

Despite that, Buck still had trouble falling asleep at night; that never really went away. The hole inside of him turned into a deep void a long time ago and Buck stopped trying to find other ways to fill it because he knew that the only way to do it was getting Eddie and Christopher back, which simply wasn’t an option anymore.

He kept going on with his life for a while and it was okay for him. At least he wasn’t crying his eyes out every night.

/

It’s almost the end of the night shift when Buck hears some familiar voices coming from downstairs. It was Eddie, talking to Carla and Christopher.

Buck feels his blood chill in his veins. He doesn’t want to face Eddie at the station, not when Chris is right there, but they’re taking too long and Buck can’t hide upstairs for much longer.

“Are you hungry? Let’s get you a snack before you go to school”.

The moment Buck hears Eddie say that, he knows he’s about to get busted and there’s nothing he can do to avoid that.

“Buck?” screams Christopher as soon as he reaches the top of the stairs.

Buck doesn’t know what to do, but for a second he feels his heart melting. It probably isn’t true, but Chris looks taller to him – like he’s grown since the last time he saw him.

“Christopher! Hi buddy!” He runs to hug the kid, unable to stop himself, even if Eddie is right there staring at him.

“Are you working with my dad today?” asks Chris naively.

“No, buddy. I just finished working the night shift” answers carefully Buck, not trying to give too much away or look suspicious with his answer in front of the others. He doesn’t actually know what Eddie told Chris, if he even explained to him why he hasn’t seen him in a while.

“Daddy, did you hear that? Buck is free tonight! Can I stay at his place for the night? Please, dad. Please!” Chris is now waving his arms, excited. The puppy eyes are working their magic again, but Eddie still doesn’t feel like agreeing with it just yet.

“Buck probably has to go to work at some point, Chris”.

“Actually I don’t” chimes in Buck “Tomorrow is my day off. I can keep him until tomorrow morning if that’s okay with you.”

Christopher is basically screaming out of joy at this point, so Eddie knows that he would look like an asshole and disappoint his son if he said no after Buck just agreed with it.

“Alright. I’m gonna drop you off after my shift and then I’ll see you in the morning. Now go with Carla or you’ll be late for school”.

“Okay, dad. I’m going. Bye Buck, see you later!” says Chris while waving at Buck, huge smile on his face. Buck chuckles a little after noticing that Chris left only waving at him and not at Eddie – actually, he completely ignored him.

But his smile dies quickly when he remembers that Eddie is still in front of him, and all the words they yelled at each other the last time they spoke come back in the blink of an eye.

“See you tonight” grunts Buck, walking towards the stairs, not even looking at Eddie.

Just as expected, Eddie doesn’t answer.

/

It’s 8PM when Eddie and Christopher show up at Buck’s apartment. Their pizza is already on the kitchen counter, still warm and ready to be devoured by the two.

“I wasn’t sure how much we needed, so I ordered a couple of extra slices” suggests Buck as soon as Chris makes his way into the apartment and to the kitchen.

“Don’t worry. I’m not staying” replies Eddie, with his usual cold tone Buck was starting to get used to.

Buck opens his mouth to say something – he isn’t even sure what exactly – but Eddie cuts him off before he can.

“I’m picking him up at 7AM tomorrow morning, before school. Everything he needs is in his backpack. Don’t fuck this up”.

Before going, Eddie says goodbye to Christopher and then he quickly walks to the stairs, almost slamming the front door on his way out.

Luckily for Buck, Christopher is too busy drooling over his pizza to notice.

Both of them finish their meal pretty soon, and Buck can’t wait to finally put to use his Disney+ subscription again – after all that time, he still doesn’t have the heart to cancel it, even if Chris is the only person using it.

The movie Chris chooses is unknown to Buck, so he spends most of the time drifting away in his thoughts and not really paying too much attention to it. Chris, on the other hand, is very excited and involved at the beginning, but he definitely notices that something is up with Buck.

“Did you and my dad fight? You know, like he used to fight with my mom?” asks Chris suddenly, eyes a bit watery and cheeks red.

Buck is taken aback, he didn’t realize Chris could pick up on that so easily. He’s always amazed by this kid’s perceptiveness.

“Your dad and I don’t see each other that much at work. Sometimes people drift apart, it happens. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about your dad or you anymore, if that’s what you’re worried about” says Buck softly, caressing Christopher’s curls and reassuring him.

“But you and dad used to love each other so much!”

Once again, Buck can feel what’s left of his heart break inside his chest.

“I know, buddy”. Buck promised himself he wasn’t going to cry in front of Christopher, ever, so he takes a moment to collect himself. “You wanna know a secret? I still love your dad very very much. But he needs some time to work on some stuff right now. He’ll come around, eventually. And I’ll be right here waiting for him, and you.”

The words come out of his mouth so naturally that Buck is surprised too by what he said. Despite everything, he just admitted to Chris that he still loves Eddie. All he needs for things to be back to normal is a sign from him, an apology.

For all that time, he was trying to convince himself that he could go on with his life without talking to Eddie anymore, but it wasn’t true. Those feelings he has for him are still deeply rooted inside of him and nothing, not even the worst words or insults from him, would ever change that. He isn’t happy with it, of course. Knowing that one person has this much power on you can be scary and he definitely doesn’t like being treated like shit.

Maybe all he has to do is take the first step, maybe he’s the one who has to apologize first. It isn’t fair, but knowing Eddie and his pride, it’s the best thing to do if he really wants to reconcile with him for good.

By the end of the night, Buck is set on that thought. He’s going to apologize, but this time he won’t let Eddie step all over him. If they want to be friends again, Eddie needs to respect him and value him as he used to. No more yelling, no more arguing.

Buck knows Eddie will never love him in the same he does – his reaction to the kiss was pretty self-explanatory – but he’s willing to put all of that aside if it means that he can be close to him again.

Just, on his terms this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so eddie broke up with ana, huh? INTERESTING  
> does this mean that he'll "forgive" buck for kissing him or will he act like an asshole and won't accept the apology?  
> stay tuned!  
> <3


	7. Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello fellow clowns !!  
> i can't believe we're losing our favorite show next week for god knows how long :(
> 
> in the meantime, enjoy this (very long) chapter <3  
> thank me later for the fluff  
> (yes I HEARD YOU CRYING ABOUT THE ANGST IN THE COMMENTS so i decided to make it up to you)
> 
> (you can find me on twitter if you ever wanna discuss the fic or just follow my crazy ass)

It’s 6:30AM when Eddie shows up at Buck’s apartment to pick up Christopher – Buck was in the middle of making breakfast while the kid was still asleep.

“You’re early” says Buck as soon as he opens the door, a little anxious about the fact that Chris wasn’t ready yet.

“I know. My bad” replies Eddie, not showing any kind of emotion in his tone.

“C-Chris is still asleep, do you want me to go wake h-”

“No, it’s fine” interrupts Eddie, almost whispering. “He can sleep in for another twenty minutes. I’m sure he had an eventful night and he’s probably tired. Don’t worry”.

Buck is a bit surprised by how calm Eddie is looking that morning, especially comparing to the night before. Deep down, he’s glad that Chris is still asleep and that Eddie is keeping his voice down, so that they can’t start yelling at each other, again – for whatever reason.

“What are you making?” says Eddie, looking over Buck’s shoulder and to the kitchen, where he can see a bunch of plates and pans on the stove.

Buck lets him in, heading to the kitchen himself to pick up where he left off. “Pancakes, is that okay? I thought I could make something special for Chris”.

“Alright”.

There’s not one ounce of bitterness or anger in Eddie’s tone, and Buck is extremely weirded out by that. The night before he had trouble falling asleep – again – because he didn’t know what to expect from this morning. Was Eddie going to scream at him? Was he going to ignore him? All the scenarios he pictured in his head ended with Eddie storming off the apartment, so obviously Buck doesn’t know how to interpret his behavior now. He isn’t prepared for that.

The room is silent, Chris is still peacefully sleeping upstairs.

Buck knows that he doesn’t have much time until Chris gets up and Eddie leaves to bring him to school. He has to use that moment to talk to him and – hopefully – put an end to their argument.

“So, Edd-”

“Listen, Bu-”

They both speak at the same time, stopping immediately when they realize. They share a look, awkwardly blushing a little.

“Let me go first” says Eddie, looking down.

“Okay” responds Buck, calmly. He’s definitely curious to hear what he has to say.

“Well… I know I’ve been an asshole lately. I’m going through a rough time and for some reason I thought that pushing you away was the best thing to do. I wanna apologize for that”. Eddie is looking straight into Buck’s eyes now, making sure he’s listening. “I was angry and upset and I took it all out on you. You didn’t deserve that.”

Eddie is not done yet, and luckily Buck is busy with the pancakes, so he has a reason to stay silent and let him talk some more.

“And you’re not exhausting. Or selfish. You’re selfless and caring. Actually, you’re one of the best people I know. Anyone would be lucky to have you in their life. And – you’re right - for a while I forgot that and took you for granted. I know you may not believe it right now, but you’re really important to me. And to Chris. You matter, Buck. You have nothing to apologize for, I’m the bad guy here.”

“Eddie” mumbles Buck, almost inadvertently. After spending countless nights staring at the ceiling and wondering if the people around him cared about him as much as he cared about them, those words are exactly what he needs to hear.

“You know I’m right. And I also know that things are not gonna be the same if you decide to forgive me. And that’s completely fine with me. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, not yet. I’m gonna do everything in my power to make it up to you, step by step.”

By the way he’s speaking, Buck can tell that Eddie is being honest and truly regrets his actions. It hurts him to see Eddie being so negative and hard on himself, but on the other hand he also knows that every single word he’s saying is true. Buck shouldn’t have apologized first, and he’s happy he didn’t.

However, Buck still wonders what led Eddie to change his mind so quickly. What he doesn’t know is that Eddie had an eventful and eye-opening night as well.

When he came back home, after dropping Chris at Buck’s, the house felt empty. Empty and quiet, like never before. With Chris and the job keeping him busy, he never had time to sit alone with his thoughts for a while. He never had a moment to stop and reflect on what he was doing with his life. That night, he did a lot of thinking and – for some reason – Buck seemed to be at the center of it all. It didn’t take much for him to realize that his sudden change of behavior had nothing to do with Ana. It was actually because of how much he was missing Buck and needed him in his life. He was being childish and punishing him for something that he should have stopped thinking about ages ago. Nothing was worth being this miserable. And on top of that, he had no reason to put his kid through all the unnecessary drama. It was hurting too many people, especially Buck. Eddie needed him to know that.

“So you’re not still mad about the kiss?” That’s the only thing Buck is able to say in that moment.

“Are you kidding me? Of course not!” Eddie raises his voice a little, but quickly quiets down as he looks upstairs to check if he woke up Chris.

He didn’t, so he continues. “It was stupid of me to react like that. We were drunk, we didn’t know what we were doing. You said it, it meant nothing. Can we just forget about it?”

Eddie has a weird expression on his face after saying that; Buck figures it’s because he’s still a bit embarrassed.

“How am I gonna know that you’re not gonna flip out on me again?” asks Buck, genuinely hurt at the thought of that happening again.

“I’m not gonna ask you to trust me, because I know that I broke your trust so many fucking times lately. But I promise you, I will never do that again.”

Once again, Buck can read Eddie’s emotions through his eyes clearly. He looks smaller, weaker. It looks like the weight of his guilt is physically crushing him.

For the longest time, all Buck wanted was to be able to hold Eddie in his arms again. And that is the perfect moment he was waiting for.

All it takes is Buck stepping closer to him, Eddie does the rest. He throws himself into Buck’s arms, shamelessly, and hangs onto his body with all the strength and affection he has in him.

It’s one of those hugs. The kind of hugs they used to share before. The kind of hugs where Eddie can’t seem to get enough of Buck’s warmth and never lets go first.

But this time, none of them wants to let go. It’s like they missed each other so much that no amount of time seems enough. They could stay like that forever.

Buck tucks his chin into Eddie’s shoulder even more and he can feel Eddie squeezing his back a bit more as soon as he does that.

“I need you in my life, Buck” whispers Eddie, still holding him. Maybe it’s easier for him to confess that since Buck can’t see his face.

Buck is about to respond - even if he’s so overwhelmed he doesn’t really know how – when a voice coming from upstairs interrupts them.

“Daddy is that you?”

“Yeah mijo, I’m here” says Eddie as he begins to break off the hug to join his son upstairs.

They look at each other for a brief second and they smile, both blushing slightly.

“Hey, what were you going to say before?” asks Eddie, heading to the stairs but still looking at Buck. “Before I interrupted you”.

“Nothing” he smirks. Eddie didn’t need to know about that.

Once he gets upstairs, Buck goes back to his pancakes and - without thinking too much about it – he grabs an extra plate for Eddie and starts setting up the table for breakfast.

A table for three.

/

Not even a week goes by and things between Buck and Eddie seem to be back to how they used to already. Eddie and Chris start hanging out at Buck’s apartment again - Chris’ stuff all goes back into Buck’s empty drawers – and Buck does the same. He even stays for the night one day, after both of them had a really busy shift and Buck fell asleep on the couch right after dinner. He looked so tired that Eddie didn’t want to wake him, so he put a warm blanket on him instead and made sure he found fresh coffee in the morning.

It’s all very normal to them.

Buck is relieved that Eddie is back with the others – he switched his shifts so that they can work together again – and so is the rest of the team. Now that Buck doesn’t have to worry about running into Eddie at work or hiding from him, his mind is definitely clearer and he’s able to focus on this job entirely. The sleepless nights are over, he can finally get his well-deserved rest at night.

One thing that he notices thought, is that Eddie is being very attentive and, most importantly, very affectionate.

Whenever he has the chance, he sits next to Buck as close as he can – even if there’s room – and finds any excuse to touch him or establish some sort of physical contact with him. And he always hugs him tight when they say hello or goodbye now. He never used to do that.

Buck doesn’t think much of it at first. Not until Maddie brings it up one night.

“So… I came to station this morning to drop something for Chim” she starts saying, stopping to take a sip of her wine.

“When? I didn’t see you!” gasps Buck, actually surprised and slightly offended that his big sister didn’t say hi.

“It was early in the morning. I… saw you and Eddie were talking upstairs and didn’t want to interrupt”.

There it is, that smirk on her face again. The same one she has every time Buck unnecessarily mentions Eddie in conversations.

“Oh” murmurs Buck.

“How is it going between you two? You okay?” she asks, with her usual calming and soothing voice.

“Yeah it’s been… great, actually” Buck finds himself smiling. “I’m so happy everything is back to normal”.

“Is it though?” she implies. “I’ve seen the two of you together more times than I can count and… I don’t remember it being like this before.”

“What do you mean? You think he’s still mad at me?”

“No, dumbass!” Maddie slaps her brother’s arm gently, and laughs lightly. “He’s always so close to you, almost like you’re gravitating towards each other all the time. I don’t know how you survived being apart for this long. I swear to God, last week I thought I saw him stroking your back while we were at the dinner table”.

“He was” admits Buck quietly, not fully sure if he’s understanding the message Maddie is trying to send him. “But… I think he’s doing it just because he wants to make up for all the pain he caused me”.

“Evan” blurts out Maddie, sighing. “How are okay with it? I know how hard it must be to have him so close all the time”.

“I’m happy with what I can get” adds Buck, gloomy tone in his voice. “He’s never gonna love me the way I do and I’m at peace with that. If this is the only way I can be near him, then so be it”.

Buck looks defeated and Maddie’s heart aches at the thought of her brother putting Eddie and Christopher’s needs before his – classic Buck.

“And you’re sure he doesn’t feel the same?”

“Isn’t his reaction to the kiss enough to answer your question? I almost lost him because of that, I’m never gonna do anything even remotely close to it ever again”.

“I see. I’m just saying… from where I’m standing, it looks like something is different this time” she says, finally.

Judging by the look on Buck’s face, Maddie’s managed to successfully put that thought into her brother’s mind. Her work there is done.

In fact, Buck looks like a lost puppy in that moment. He’d convinced himself that the reason why Eddie was acting like that was the one he just explained to his sister; however Maddie has a history of being the Buckley sibling who’s right most of the times, so her words shake him a bit and make him question his new dynamic with Eddie.

Is there really something he’s not seeing that the others are seeing?

Suddenly Maddie’s phone buzzes, but she doesn’t look at the screen properly to check who texted her. Instead, she quickly glances at it and puts it in her pocket.

“Don’t worry, I’ll check later” she says, answering the question she knew Buck had in mind.

Buck doesn’t really pay attention to that, it doesn’t look suspicious to him.

Only when Buck turns around to load the dishwasher, Maddie is finally able to see what the text says and answer carefully.

 **Hen (9:39PM):** _found out anything interesting??? i can’t stand those clueless idiots anymore so please tell me you did <3_

 **Maddie (9:54PM):** _Nope… Buck says he didn’t notice anything different. But I didn’t tell him about what I saw the other day, I don’t think he’s ready yet. I think they just need a little push :)”_

/

“What’s up with you today, Hen? Why are you being so nice to me?” teases Buck, wide and cocky smile on his face. “Do I have to prepare myself for some bad news? What did you do?”

Hen laughs, looking around to check if anyone – Eddie – can listen to what she’s about to say. They just got back from a call and everyone seems pretty busy checking the trucks and making sure everything’s alright, so it’s perfect.

“Listen Buckaroo. I have a favor to ask” she finally says, batting her eyelashes at him and trying to sound convincing already. “Tonight I want to do something special for Karen… you know, since it’s our anniversary and we barely spend time together lately. We’re gonna be gone for the whole night and… I need someone to watch the kids”.

“Me?” replies Buck, baffled by the fact that someone else other than Eddie would trust him with their kids.

“Yes you, who else?” she laughs. “But, you know… you could ask Eddie to come. He could bring Chris to keep Danny company and the two of you can look after Nia. She can be a bit difficult, but I’m sure you’re gonna be fine”.

“Eddie definitely knows how to look after toddlers more than I do” says Buck, almost thinking out loud.

“Perfect then! Tell him you need to be there at 7:30PM. Thanks, Buckaroo”. She kisses him on the cheek quickly and basically runs away before Buck can change his mind.

It’s weird, but Buck is actually excited to spend his Friday night watching Hen’s kids with Eddie and Chris. All he has to do now is ask him.

/

“… And make sure they’re both in bed by 9” says Hen before stepping out of the door, pointing her finger ominously at Buck and Eddie.

“Of course, Hen. You can trusts us. Now go, enjoy your night. Bye!” responds Eddie, as he slowly closes the door behind him.

“Wow, okay. No pressure” laughs nervously Buck.

“Don’t start. It’s gonna be fine”.

As expected, the night goes by smoothly. Danny and Chris eat their pizza while watching some superhero movie Buck doesn’t know; Eddie and Nia play on the floor for a while before he can feel her getting more tired and ready for bed.

By the end of the movie, the kids have run out of all their energies and they’ve both collapsed on one couch, sleeping soundly. Buck is watching them, as he finishes up on the dishes, while Eddie is in Nia’s bedroom rocking her to sleep.

Once Buck is done, he decides to join him – even because he noticed that it was taking him a bit and wanted to help.

“She out yet?” whispers Buck, carefully entering the room.

The room is almost completely dark, but Buck can immediately notice that something is wrong. Nia is peacefully asleep in her cradle, so he knows that whatever is going on is not about her.

Eddie is looking down and turns away from Buck when he approaches him. “I’m okay” he sniffles.

“No you’re not. You’re crying, Eddie”. Buck grabs him by the shoulders and gently turns him enough so he can face him. “Can you tell me what’s going on?”

Eddie shakes his head, trying to hold the tears a little longer, and quickly wipes away the ones that already slipped away.

“Eddie, please”.

The last time Buck saw Eddie this upset it was after Shannon’s death, so – obviously – he’s very worried about him.

Finally, Eddie finds his voice. “It’s just that… she reminds me so much of Chris” he says, pointing at Nia. “And she reminds me that I wasn’t there for him when he was her age”.

“Eddie, you were in Afghanistan. You were doing what was neces-”

“No, I was running away. From him and from Shannon. It’s my fault. She lost it because I wasn’t there to help her. And now my son has to live his life without his mother…” Eddie’s voice breaks, so he has to stop for a second.

“You can’t blame yourself for her death, Eddie. There was nothing we could have done to save her. Don’t torture yourself like this.” Buck tries to reassure him, gently stroking his arm. He knows it calms him down, usually.

“I know, but I can’t stop thinking about the fact that if things were different…. she…” Eddie bursts into tears, and this time it’s Buck’s turn to jump into his arms.

Eddie crumbles into the hug and Buck almost has to lean on the wall not to fall.

“Listen to me, carefully. You are the bravest person I know and the best father any kid could ever ask for. Christopher adores you. I can only wish to be half of the father you are. You have nothing to worry about. ‘Cause you are amazing, Eddie” whispers Buck, right into Eddie’s ear, while they’re still hugging. “Got it?”

Eddie lets go and nods visibly, so that Buck can understand he heard him.

“Thank you, Buck” adds Eddie, putting his hand on his friend’s shoulder, very close to the neck.

In that moment, Buck feels closer to Eddie than he’s ever felt before. He knew about Eddie’s past, but he never opened up about it to him. Not like this. It feels different, like he knows him a lot more now. Like he understands him better.

Buck’s sure he’s in love with Eddie, now more than ever. It hurts him to admit it, but he can’t lie to himself. That’s what he feels for him.

“C’mon. Let’s join the kids on the couch… if there’s any room left for us.”

/

When Hen and Karen come back home, it’s almost 2AM and everyone seems to be sleeping deeply. At some point during the night, Eddie managed to pick up Danny and put him in his bed – as Hen told him – while the others are now all curled up on the same couch.

Chris is taking up most of the space, with his head on Buck’s lap and his legs on Eddie’s. But that’s not what Karen is giggling about – because of the cocktail she had that night, probably.

Eddie’s head is on Buck’s shoulder and Buck has his arm around him, still holding him tight even if they’re both asleep. To Hen and Karen, they look like the perfect family in that instant.

“And you’re telling me that they don’t know?” asks Karen, keeping her voice down and trying to muffle a laugh.

“Trust me, they don’t.” replies Hen, shaking her head. “Men. They’re so dumb”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hen and maddie plotting to get buck and eddie together? we love to see it  
> but do you think they're right? or do you think eddie's just being nice?  
> AND WHAT DID MADDIE SEE?
> 
> (also YEAH i know i said no more angst but it's the last time i promise<3)


	8. All of my love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone <3  
> let's avoid talking about the finale because i'm still upset about it.  
> here i am with a new chapter full of buddie fluff since the show decided to give us LITERAL CRUMBS in the last episode.  
> don't worry i got u.  
> hope you'll enjoy it !! <3
> 
> ps. i just wanted to say HELLO to my twitter moots because some of them only discovered recently that i'm the author of this fic and i think it's hilarious sjdhfh (as always you can find me on twitter)

“He’s drowning! He’s drowning!”

That night Christopher went to bed early, like any other day, and seemed pretty fine to Eddie – nightmares weren’t as usual anymore and he could afford to put his son to bed and go rest himself, without having to wait for him to fall asleep.

Eddie widens his eyes at the sound of Chris’ screams and jumps off his bed immediately, running to the other room.

“Mijo, what’s wrong?” whispers Eddie, kneeling on the floor to meet his son’s eyes.

“He was drowning, daddy!” cries Christopher, visibly shaken. “I don’t want him to drown”.

Eddie knows perfectly that the main subject of Christopher’s nightmares, somehow, is Shannon. His son is always talking about a drowning woman and, even if he thought he was referring to someone he saw during the tsunami, Eddie quickly realized that it was Shannon instead.

But a drowning man? That’s new even for Christopher.

“Who was drowning, Chris?”

“It was… it was Buck, dad” he replies, sobbing uncontrollably. “Where is Buck? Is he okay? Dad, is he okay?”

Eddie can feel his son getting agitated and anxious, so he joins him on the bed and lies next to him to comfort him.

“Buck is perfectly fine. He’s okay, Chris. You don’t have to worry about him, that’s my job. I watch over him every day”. Eddie is now stroking Christopher’s arm while he rests his head on his father’s chest. They’ve always loved to cuddle like that, ever since Chris was little - it’s their thing.

“But how do you know he’s fine now? Can we call him? I wanna hear his voice” asks Chris, using his puppy eyes again.

“It’s late, Chris. Buck had a busy day today, I’m sure he’s sleeping by now. But we can call him tomorrow, first thing in the morning. Still okay?” suggests Eddie instead, hoping to put his son’s mind at rest for the night.

Chris just nods in agreement - probably because it’s 1AM and he’s just as tired as his father at this point – and Eddie takes advantage of his son’s cooperative spirit and tucks him in gently.

Once he leaves the room, he stays for a couple of seconds behind the closed door to make sure everything is fine. Weirdly, he feels a smile growing on his face. Obviously it’s not because of Chris’ nightmares – he’s still very worried about that. It’s something else.

For instance, seeing Chris being so concerned about Buck’s well-being makes him realize how important he is not only to him, but to his son as well.

When he first met Buck, Eddie could have never imagined that this is how their relationship was going to evolve. Being such a central part of each other’s lives wasn’t something that they planned ahead, it just happened naturally. And now, they can’t picture a world without the other in it.

Eddie chuckles a little and goes to his room to grab his phone. He doesn’t understand how or why, but Christopher’s nightmare actually made him worry about Buck too and he feels a bit stupid for falling into his son’s trap so easily.

 **Eddie (1:12AM):** _Hey_

He knows Buck is not going to answer – not until the next morning at least – but he sends the text anyway. He feels like he has to at this point.

 **Buck (1:13AM):** _heyy everything ok? why are you up so late?_

Eddie is startled by his phone ringing in the middle of the night – he forgot to put it on silent mode before going back to bed. However, he’s happy to see that Buck is awake and well.

 **Eddie (1:14AM):** _Nothing, just wanted to check on you. Goodnight, see you tomorrow :)_

 **Buck (1:14AM):** _ok weirdo see u tomorrow goodnight <3 xx_

Eddie rolls his eyes as he reads Buck’s text, secretly glad that they’re finally back to their old and usual banter. Buck is fine: now he can go to sleep with no worries on his mind.

/

The next morning, Christopher hasn’t forgotten about the conversation he had with his dad the night before, so the first thing he wants to do once he’s up is to call Buck and make sure he’s okay.

“H-hello?” Buck’s voice sounds sleepy and slightly confused at first, but when he realizes who’s calling him at 6:30 in the morning, both Chris and Eddie can feel him light up on the other end of the phone. “Good morning you two. Sleep well?”

As much as Eddie wants to talk to Buck, he knows that he’ll see him later that day, so he leaves his phone to his son while he gets started on their breakfast. He can’t hear much of what they’re saying, he just notices Chris turning to him and giggling at lot.

“What are you two talking about, huh? Put Buck on speaker” says Eddie, trying to mask the grin on his face.

“No dad, it’s private!” Christopher can’t even finish his sentence without bursting out laughing, as he goes to his room to continue his call with Buck.

Eddie is left in the kitchen alone and – once again – he has a big smile on his face.

A few minutes later, breakfast is ready and Eddie goes looking for his son in his room.

“I think I have to go now. I don’t wanna leave daddy alone in the kitchen for too long. You know how he is… See you tonight, Buck. Love you!”

Eddie didn’t mean to overhear that, so he immediately goes back to the kitchen to avoid looking suspicious in any way. Yet, he fears that the redness in his cheeks could give him away a bit. He can’t hide how much he loves Buck and Christopher’s dynamic and how grateful he feels knowing that his son cares about him and trusts him.

“Look who’s back! The traitor!”

Chris giggles again, covering his face with his hands. “Buck says hi, by the way”.

Eddie rolls his eyes and sights, then the rooms falls silent for a moment.

“I… I asked Buck to come over tonight. I told him I missed the funny voices he makes when he reads me bedtime stories. Is that okay, daddy?” asks Chris shyly.

After what happened the night before, Eddie isn’t very surprised by that.

“Buck and I have a late shift today, but I’m sure he won’t mind dropping by for a story or two” replies Eddie, soft and comforting tone in his voice.

“Thanks, dad. We’re gonna have so much fun!”

“Am I part of the fun or am I excluded again?” adds Eddie, pretending to be offended already.

“I’ll see what Buck says and then we’ll let you know”.

Eddie gasps loudly, before jumping on his son and starting tickling him frantically.

/

That night, Buck has to run some errands after the shift so he doesn’t make it in time for dinner. However, he still manages to keep his promise and shows up at 10PM at the Diaz house. Christopher is already getting ready for bed when Buck knocks at the door.

“Is he asleep? Did I miss it?” asks Buck as soon as he steps inside, almost ignoring Eddie.

“No, he’s waiting for you. C’mon” replies Eddie, chuckling. He really doesn’t mind that Buck didn’t even say hello when he opened the door and basically ran inside, worried that he’d disappointed Christopher. Sometimes he wonders how those two managed to create such a strong bond in so little time.

Given the fact that Chris wanted to talk to Buck “privately” that morning, Eddie doesn’t feel like intruding and joining them while Buck reads the story – it’s their moment to have. Eddie trusts Buck enough to take a step back and leave his son with him, knowing that he’ll do everything in his power to reassure Chris and – hopefully – lessen his fears about him being in danger.

On the other hand, Eddie feels a little guilty. Maybe Ana’s words were still in his head after all. Maybe she was right and he was really stopping Buck from living his life.

Buck isn’t Christopher’s father, so why should he put his life on hold for him?

Twenty minutes later Eddie is in the living room, not sure if he should put a movie on or not to distract himself from his thoughts, when he hears Buck turning off the lights in Chris’ room and shutting the door.

“Beers?” suggests Eddie when he sees Buck entering the room.

Buck nods, trying to hide a yawn, and Eddie gets up from the couch and heads to the kitchen to grab them some beers. Unexpectedly, Buck follows him to the kitchen instead of jumping on the couch while he waits as he usually does.

“I’m sorry about tonight” says Eddie, sipping on his beer. “I don’t want you to feel obligated to run to my house every time my son has a nightmare”.

They’re standing next to each other, both leaning on the kitchen counter shoulder to shoulder and drinking their beers, so Eddie can’t quite catch Buck’s reaction to what he’s saying. He prefers it this way, actually.

He continues. “You could be out there doing whatever you want with your nights but instead you’re _stuck_ here with us”.

“What are you saying?” blurts out Buck, turning around to face Eddie.

The look Buck’s giving Eddie is a hard one to crack for him. It’s like there’s a million things Buck is trying to tell him only with his eyes.

First, there’s fear and doubt: fear that he isn’t wanted, or maybe that he overstepped.

Then there’s confusion: he doesn’t understand why Eddie would ever think that he didn’t enjoy his time with him and Chris or that being there would feel like a burden to him.

And then, there’s love and compassion: he can sense Eddie’s own doubts and his guilt. All he wants to do is hug him, reassure him and tell him that he’s never going to leave him or Christopher. That he loves them with all his heart. That he’s in love with him. But Buck knows he can’t.

All of those emotions just in one silent and long look.

Eddie is out of words – he definitely didn’t expect this reaction from Buck.

“Eddie, I’m exactly where I want to be” says Buck, almost whispering.

Just like Buck, Eddie is going through a rollercoaster of emotions in that moment. He’s overwhelmed and confused, but his heart feels so full at the same time. He feels something in his stomach, a weird twist in his gut.

Suddenly, everything is clear to him. He connected all the pieces together and finally, all his questions have answers.

He steps closer to Buck, with no hesitation at first, and gently kisses him on the lips. It’s not a long or passionate kiss, and Buck doesn’t even have time to think and react before Eddie breaks it off.

However, Eddie doesn’t move away from Buck’s face too much. Just enough to look him in the eyes. They stay like that for a couple of seconds, staring into each other’s eyes silently. Maybe Eddie is waiting for Buck to give him his permission to kiss him again. And maybe Buck is waiting to see if Eddie really meant to kiss him and he’s not dreaming.

All their doubts disappear when Buck erases the distance between them and kisses Eddie back – passionately this time – and grabs his face with both his hands, pulling him closer.

They’re so close that Eddie can feel Buck’s heart racing in his chest, but both of them keep pulling more and more anyway.

It’s like all their life they’ve been looking for the other half of their soul and now that they’ve finally found it, they’ve become a single entity - whole at last. Nothing will ever be able to break them apart ever again. There’s no going back from what they’ve just unlocked.

Eddie’s hands are shamelessly travelling from Buck’s shoulders to his lower back, while his are still on the back of Eddie’s head. They haven’t stopped to catch their breaths, not even for one second. But who needs breathing anyway?

All of a sudden, Buck’s phone starts buzzing and brings them back to reality. For them, time ceased to exist once their lips touched for the first time and nothing else mattered.

But the perfect world they’re living in that moment can’t last forever, and it’s the notification on Buck’s phone that reminds them of that.

 **Tinder** _Dean sent you a new message_

Buck gasps when he looks at the screen and realizes that Eddie does the same.

Eddie doesn’t say anything, he just pushes away Buck from him gently and turns around to leave the room. Once again, a million emotions and thoughts start haunting his mind.

“Eddie, wait!” yells Buck, grabbing him by the wrist to stop him. He has absolutely no intention of losing Eddie again and so quickly after they just kissed. He has to explain himself and tell him how he really feels. Now.

“I didn’t know what I was thinking…kissing you like that. You clearly have other thoughts on your mind”.

“Eddie, please. Let me explain” replies Buck, putting his hand on Eddie’s shoulder to reassure him. “I started messaging this Dean guy when you and I weren’t speaking. I never met him in person. Actually, I completely forgot about him until now because I stopped responding to his texts once we made up. H-he means nothing to me. Believe me”.

Eddie sighs deeply, looking down. Then, he crumbles under Buck’s touch and jumps in his arms. Buck can’t see it yet, but he knows that Eddie is crying.

“Why are you so upset?” he whispers in Eddie’s ear, caressing his back gently.

Somehow, Eddie finds the strength to let go first and look at Buck directly in the eyes.

“I-I feel so stupid. I saw your phone and I thought th-… I-I panicked” Eddie is struggling to finish his sentences without stuttering, but he’s set on making his speech anyway. It’s too late to hold back now. “There’s some stuff I need to tell you. You need to know”.

“Okay, Eddie. I’m listening”.

“There’s a reason why I acted like an asshole all this time. I didn’t see it then but I see it now. Subconsciously, I think I’ve always known and maybe I didn’t want to accept it. I-I don’t know”. He stops for a moment and takes a small step closer to Buck. He’s hoping that his body language is enough for Buck to understand where he’s going with this speech. “Remember when I first told you about Ana? When I asked you if I was doing the right thing?”

Buck nods silently, so Eddie goes on. “Well… that night I was hoping you would say no instead of yes. I was hoping you’d tell me that you were enough for me. I was hoping you’d tell me that I didn’t need to look for love somewhere else because you were already standing right in front of me.”

Buck widens his eyes and feels like fainting a bit, so he holds on to the kitchen counter but doesn’t say a word. He knows Eddie needs to let it all out first.

“When you didn’t say anything and you encouraged me to call her, I knew that there was no hope for us. I spent weeks convincing myself that Ana was he person I was supposed to be dating, but I couldn’t do it and have you around at the same time. I… I had to push you away. I didn’t want to deal with my… my feelings for you. It was easier that way”.

Buck’s jaw drops at this point. Everything’s starting to make sense now but he still can’t believe his ears.

“You showing up at my house like that threw me off, I have to be honest. I was pissed at you because I was trying to avoid you and there you were, right at my door. That day I was stressed enough because Ana asked me to bring Chris and tell him that I was dating her, but I chickened out at the last minute and took him to Pepa’s without telling her. I didn’t want to bring Christopher into this lie”. Eddie’s voice gets gloomy as he relives that horrible situation once again. “I’m sorry if I treated you like that. I’m sure it was just as bad and awkward for you too.”

“Yeah” finally says Buck, smiling to Eddie. He doesn’t want to chime in just yet, but he wants to let him know that he’s right there, listening to every word.

“The night you kissed me. God, you don’t know how desperately I wanted to kiss you too. Actually I almost did, when I grabbed your arm. But then I realized that you probably didn’t feel the same and I couldn’t put at risk our friendship again. I hurt you so many times already. I wasn’t going to be selfish.”

“Selfish?” asks Buck, confused.

“Yeah. I shouldn’t have done it just because I wanted to. Really wanted to”. Eddie pauses to smirk at Buck, then continues. “When you kissed me and I said that you ruined everything, I said it because now that I knew that you felt the same way about me, I was fucked. It wasn’t all just in my head. It was real. I felt it and you did too. And I couldn’t believe it. I reacted that way because I knew that I couldn’t run from my feelings anymore…and also, I was very very drunk. I’m so sorry, Buck”.

“It’s okay” whispers Buck, caressing his arm again. His eyes are starting to get watery. Seeing Eddie like that is too much even for him.

“God, will I ever stop apologizing for all the shitty things I’ve done to you? I should just write you a list because there’s so many I lost count…”

“Hey, stop it. I get it now. I understand”.

“I…I broke up with Ana because I didn’t want to lie to her and to myself anymore. I needed time to be alone and think. And I was pissed at you because I didn’t know what to do with those feelings I had for you” adds Eddie, trying to explain his behavior more – he didn’t feel worthy of Buck’s forgiveness just yet.

“Why didn’t you tell me then? I was the one who kissed you that night after all” asks Buck, finally ready to speak his mind.

“You know me, Buck. You know that it’s hard for me to talk about my feelings. I didn’t even understand what I was actually feeling until now. You being here and saying that was just the push I needed. It opened my eyes. Please tell me I’m not crazy”.

Buck steps even closer to Eddie and puts his hand on his back, pushing their bodies together once again.

“You’re not crazy. I’ve been feeling the same way about you for months now. Honestly, I think I always have. Eddie, you are everything I’ve ever wanted. Everything I’ve been looking for. And I can’t believe this is really happening right now. If this is a dream, don’t wake me.”

Eddie is on the verge of tears again, but this time they’re tears of joy. It’s his turn now to grab Buck’s face and kiss him softly.

“Does this feel real?” whispers Eddie, pulling away just a little before going for another kiss. “And this?”

Now that they’re past all the fights and the arguments, all they’re left with is love and affection. It’s almost midnight and they’re stealing kisses from each other in the kitchen while giggling like high school kids. Neither of them knew that this is how that night was going to go.

Eddie is trying to talk in-between kisses, but Buck is so eager to have his lips on Eddie’s that he doesn’t let him.

“I want to be with you, Evan” confesses Eddie, eyes full of hope. This is the first time he’s ever called him by his actual name, but it feels right in that moment.

Buck is taken aback when he hears his name come out of Eddie’s mouth. He never thought he’d call him that.

“And I want to be with you, Edmundo”.

Eddie is trying to stay serious – since it’s supposed to be a very serious moment – but he can’t help but laugh a little at the weird Spanish accent Buck used to pronounce his name.

“That didn’t work, did it?” adds Buck, laughing at himself too.

“I’m afraid not” replies Eddie, shaking his head. “Oh God, what are we gonna do now?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so powerful of me to make buddie canon the day after the writers give us CRUMBS in the finale. galaxy brain.
> 
> also shoutout to that person who completely EXPOSED ME in the comments in chapter five and understood perfectly where i was going with the story already. you're a real one ily


	9. Whole lotta love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys!!  
> i'm not dead i just had some sort of writer's block so that's why it took me so long to update.  
> i'm sorry if this chapter is a bit short (and not my best work tbh). it's like a transitional chapter with eddie's pov - for the most part.  
> also, i wanted to tell you that the next chapter is gonna be the last one so maybe it'll take me more than a week to post it because i want it to be perfect.  
> thanks again to all the amazing people who support me and who comment every time. i appreciate it a lot.  
> ok enough, enjoy this awful chapter bye <3  
> (as always, you can find me on twitter)

“Oh fuck! Hurry up, Buck” moans Eddie, fiddling with the buttons on Buck’s shirt while the other tries to open the front door of his apartment.

“I can’t if you keep kissing my neck like this” laughs Buck, as if he isn’t enjoying having Eddie all over him like that. “The neighbors are gonna complain again!”

Finally, Buck manages to get the key in the lock and opens the door. Not even a second later, Eddie is already pushing him inside and getting back on unbuttoning his shirt – for good this time.

“You know” tries to say Buck, before Eddie shuts him up with a kiss. “We should really try to figure out what’s going on here”.

“Yeah, you’re right. We can’t keep going like this”.

Despite what they’re saying, none of them is showing any sign of wanting to stop.

Even though the first time they kissed it was sweet and emotional – for the most part – two weeks later, their make out sessions have become more heated and it was starting to get more difficult not to jump into bed at any given chance.

The first couple of times they were still coming to terms with their feelings and both Buck and Eddie weren’t sure what to do, what was okay, what felt comfortable for the other. After all, neither of them had experience with men and even if they thought they knew each other perfectly, this side of them was still pretty much unknown to the other. It still was a little awkward sometimes.

But as the days went on, both of them started learning little things about the other and – finally – they were able to express that desire that was consuming them for a long time.

“Come here” whispers Eddie, grabbing Buck by the neck – since his shirt was on the floor by then.

Somehow, they manage to go upstairs - where they can get more comfortable on the bed - and, as soon as Buck’s back touches the mattress, Eddie jumps on top of him and takes off his own shirt.

Based on the significant pressure Buck is feeling against his leg, Eddie is as _happy_ as him to be there with him. There isn’t much left to the imagination at this point.

“I’m serious, Eddie. How long can we keep doing this?” suddenly says Buck, slightly pushing Eddie off his body so that he can look at him in the eyes.

“Don’t tell me you just c-”

“No, you idiot!” interrupts Buck, jokingly slapping Eddie’s thigh. “I meant this, us. Shouldn’t we… I don’t know, go on a date one of these days? Or maybe tell someone this is happening?”

“Why?” Eddie seems confused, vaguely annoyed. He moves from Buck and lies next to him on the bed, staring at the ceiling – once again, avoiding making eye contact with him as he usually does when the conversation gets sticky or uneasy.

Buck turns to him and grabs his hand. “I enjoy having you over and doing…this. Trust me, I really do”. Eddie is now facing him, as the both smile fully understanding what he meant. “But I feel like we’re hiding, you know? I want to do all the things couples do like… kiss you or just hold your hand in public”.

Eddie takes a moment to answer. “But we’re having fun, right? Why can’t we have fun, just the two of us, for a little longer? You know how it gets when you tell people and they start asking questions and…”

“Hey” replies Buck, sweet and comforting tone in his voice. “I don’t wanna push you to do anything you don’t want to if you’re not ready. I just wanna take you out on a nice date one day, that’s all.”

Eddie nods and kisses Buck gently, as a way of showing how much he appreciates him and his words.

“I mean…I tortured Maddie and Hen for months because of you so I feel bad keeping this from them. But I won’t say anything if you’re not okay with it”.

“Don’t stress too much about it, Buck. There’s no rush” whispers Eddie, basically into Buck’s mouth. “Now shut up and kiss me”.

It’s not long until Eddie is back where he was a couple of minutes before.

Eddie truly has a way of making Buck forget about whatever they’re talking about when he feels he’s done with it. And he also knows how to convince Buck that he’s right.

They weren’t rushing things after all. Although they couldn’t keep their hands off each other, they never really went that far. Making out aggressively and occasionally thrusting was one thing, but having sex or even doing something that comes close to it was definitely another. The will and the desire to do it was there – since before they started dating – but it was new for the both of them so they knew they had to take their time and explore this together.

For now, just being together is enough for them.

/

Keeping their new relationship from the 118 was easy at first. No one noticed the looks they exchanged from time to time or the fact that they were always touching or simply standing close to each other – mainly because they used to do that even when they weren’t together so the team had no reason to think something was up.

But as the days went by, they were starting to become more careless with their stolen glances and kisses. They started holding hands under the table while they were all eating at the station, or even shamelessly playing footsie. Somehow, risking getting caught was making it even more fun for them; it was like a game.

“What’s up with those two?” says one day Hen, as she looks over at Buck and Eddie giggling and teasing each other while they’re walking towards the locker room.

“They sure were in a good mood today, huh? God, I don’t know where they find the energy after a call” adds Chimney, completely clueless of what’s actually happening. Hen never spoke about what she knew with him – for obvious reasons – so Chim was probably the only member of the 118 who didn’t suspect anything and thought Buck and Eddie were just _buddies_.

“Coming upstairs? I think Cap is starting on dinner” asks Chim, heading to the stairs.

“I need to grab something from my locker but I’ll be there in a second. Don’t you even think about eating without me!” replies Hen, pointing menacingly at her friend.

It’s pretty late at this point and their shift is about to end, so the station is almost empty – everyone is upstairs waiting for dinner. The only two people missing are Buck and Eddie.

And when Hen walks into the locker room, she quickly realizes why.

“Guys?” says Hen, coughing as a way to announce herself and let them know she was there. “Dinner is almost ready”.

Buck and Eddie are standing dangerously close to each other and Buck’s hand is playing with the collar of Eddie’s shirt when they notice that Hen is at the door.

Eddie almost does a complete 180 away from Buck, adjusting his shirt casually. “It’s fixed now. Thanks Buck”.

“Sure, man” adds Buck, trying to sound convincing and not like he’s afraid they just got caught.

They both stay silent while Hen enters the room and opens her locker, just like they don’t say a word during the whole dinner until the end of the shift. The look on their faces and the redness in their cheeks was enough for Hen to understand exactly what she saw when she walked in on them.

Right before leaving, Hen sees Buck approaching her and that just gives her the last confirmation she needed.

“Hey Hen, going home?” asks nervously Buck, visibly trying to make small talk before saying what he actually wants to say. “Listen… I don’t know what you saw before but-”

“Buck” interrupts Hen, putting her hand on his shoulder. “I didn’t see anything. I don’t know what you’re talking about”. Both of them know she’s lying, but maybe it’s for the best for now. Still, she can’t help looking at him with joy and relief in her eyes, like she’s proud of him. She doesn’t know when or how it happened – yet - but she knows that Buck is finally happy. Happy and free. Or at least she thinks so.

/

Between the two of them, Buck is definitely the one who’s struggling the most to keep the secret. All he wants to do is tell Maddie - or just tell someone in general. He feels like screaming it from the top of his lungs at least five times a day.

On the other hand, Eddie still feels like there’s something holding him back. Many times he’s thought about it, and every time the answer to his questions is that there’s no need to rush things.

The thing that he doesn’t want to admit to himself though, is that his relationship with Buck is exciting and fun because nobody knows about it. It’s just them and the perfect little world they created for themselves.

But Buck is right: can they actually go on like this? Hiding and lying to the people they love? And for how long?

Buck was starting to get impatient and every time he tried to bring up the conversation, things would get tense between them.

And Eddie can’t even blame him because, deep down, he feels the same: he wants to go out with Buck, he wants to hold his hand in public, he wants to kiss him, he wants to call him his boyfriend. He wants all of these things. But there’s also a voice in his head that says _don’t_ that keeps him from doing it.

He never mentioned it to Buck because he doesn’t want him to feel insecure about his feelings for him. And it’s not about that. Buck is perfect, literally everything Eddie ever looked for in a partner.

Still, his negative thoughts and fears get the best of him.

Eddie keeps wondering what’s actually stopping him, but he can’t find a real answer. He knows he can trust the 118 and he never really cared about what his family thinks about him – not after they tried to take Christopher away from him at least. So why is he holding back?

Then it hits him. The answer was right there all along, in front of his eyes: Christopher.

The guilt of abandoning his son when he was just a baby will always follow him, no matter how many times Chris tells him he loves him or that he’s the best dad he could’ve ever asked for. Eddie will always feel like he’s disappointing him, one way or the other.

Chris lost his mother just a year ago, so Eddie sees his new relationship with Buck as a potential new way of breaking his son’s trust. He knows Chris loves Buck like crazy, but he isn’t sure if he’d be okay with Buck being his dad’s boyfriend from now on.

What if he disappoints him again? What happens then?

He needs to tell Christopher. Having his son’s approval would finally make him feel free to take that last step towards happiness, with Buck.

Eddie’s sure of it now. He just needs to find the right words to say it.

/

A couple of days after Hen almost – most definitely – caught them in the locker room, Eddie feels like it’s time to have a conversation with his son about Buck.

Right after having dinner, Chris asks to put on a movie before going to bed and Eddie knows that he has to take this opportunity to sit down with him and talk.

“Mijo, listen. I want to talk to you about something” says Eddie, patting the empty spot next to him on the couch to ask his son to sit next to him.

“Am I in trouble, dad?” asks shyly Chris.

“No, absolutely not. It’s nothing like that”.

Chris just stares at him, waiting for Eddie to explain the worried look he has on his face.

“How would you feel if I told you that from now on, Buck is gonna be around a little more?” Eddie’s voice breaks a bit when he asks the question, overwhelmed by his anxiety.

“I love Buck, dad. I wish he was always around!” Christopher seems confused at this point, not really sure where his dad is going with this.

“You do? Oh…” exclaims Eddie, carefully choosing his words. “So you don’t mind if Buck and I spend a lot of time together? You know, even outside of work.”

Chris shrugs, lost look on his face again.

“What I’m trying to say is…” adds Eddie, stopping to sigh deeply. “Buck and I want to be together and I was wondering if you would be okay with that”.

The room falls silent and Eddie fears he just made a huge mistake.

“But…I thought Buck was already your boyfriend, dad” replies Christopher, genuinely perplexed now.

“Y-you what?”

“Yeah. You always look so happy when you’re together. I even told Buck one time and he said he loved you very much so I thought he was your boyfriend”.

“Oh my God” whispers Eddie, head in his hands. “I can’t believe him”. He starts laughing, incredulous, and small tears of joy appear in his eyes.

“What’s wrong, dad?”

“So… y-you’re okay with it? Because he doesn’t have to become your new dad if you don’t want to. We can take things as slo-”

“Dad. It’s okay” interrupts Christopher. “I already consider him my second dad anyway…” He giggles, covering his face with his hands.

“Oh, Chris. You don’t know how important this is for me!” confesses Eddie, arms wide open to wrap his son into a tight hug. “I’m so happy”.

“Can we call Buck now? Maybe we can ask him if he wants to live here with us!”

“One step at a time, mijo. For now, let’s give him the good news”.

Eddie feels like a weight has been lifted off his chest.

Finally, he can breathe again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm awful at explaining emotions and stuff like this I'M SORRY SKDJFFJDJ i hope it's clear why eddie was struggling so much.  
> also chris seeing buck as his second dad is already canon in my head lmaooo
> 
> see you next week, for the last time :(  
> <3


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